"I'm Sorry..."

If there's one phrase I hate more the most in the English language or any language of the world its "im sorry". What the fuck? No you aren't, normally this is told to you when as a nicer method of saying No. It also irritates me when im upset I tried to obtain or achieve something and a friend or anyone says 'im sorry'. I go into a blind fucking rage. It makes me feel like you're spitting on my shitty situation with your fake offer of solace. Did you fucking do it? Then why the fuck are you apologizing? Shut up with that asinine bullshit! I mean it really pisses me the fuck off. What can only send me into a rage even further is the fact that someone will apologize for something, then do it again, only to give you another fucking apology. Were you thinking about it when you did the shit? No. So you aren't fucking sorry. Countless times I tell people about smoking in my car, what do I hear? "Im sorry". No you aren't because you do it a fucking gain and again. My clothes smell like smoke because my father smokes in my room on the computer. I catch him and what do I hear? That bullshit. But I still find big ass ashes on the keys and computer table, and when I go out of town my clothes smell like a fucking smoke booth because of it. Swear I've told him COUNTLESS TIMES that smoking around a computer isn't good for it. When it breaks...all im gonna say is "im sorry" and keep fucking moving. The only instance where it doesn't bother me is death. Maybe people go genuinely mean it at that time. Any other instance though it makes me crazier. Of course that could all be bullshit too. Why the fuck would someone be sorry about the death of your great aunt agnes that you never even fucking met? Its people trying to polite I know, but I fucking HATE "I'm sorry's".

Merry Christmas Everyone

and have a  Happy New Year.

Yeah thats my fav Holiday movie...EPIC! and YES i watched all 24 hours of it

Favorite Christmas Song...

Boke

I know this goes along with my humility, and that there's peace and prosperity on the horizon, but man, sometimes, a lot of the time, its tough. Things are really rough right now. I haven't seen the likes of times like this since I was younger and my family was barely scratching. It wasn't super ugly, but it was rough back then. Almost 22 some odd years later its reverting. I forgot how to handle it. I mean fuck, I was a kid. Kids don't know the difference, the just live. I was born into the powdered milk & government cheese era, to rise to grocery shopping every, getting a new toy, and red lobster every week. I write this as I prepare to head to the pawn shop, not to create the perfect Christmas, but to keep shit from falling apart you know? Haven't gotten desperate enough to pawn the things I need, luckily everything I'm taking in is just taking up space. I hope that I don't need to go back though. Seriously don't have anything left to take in after I take the things I found. Talking with a friend of mine this morning, I enlightened her that this is my first broke Christmas since 2004, and that didn't even count because I was semi in school. This shit blucks so fucking hard....(blows and sucks)

 

Nostalgia

Love it. I'm the most nostalgic person I know. I feel like it isn't Christmas until I have seen my 4 favorite things. A Christmas story (the whole 24hr special), hard rock, coco, & joe, the Flintstones Christmas commercial and last but not least the Hershey Kisses bells to "we wish you a merry Christmas". Just watching or typing about that one sends chills up my spine. I love it. Anytime I'm in a bad mood or depressed I can ALWAYS count on nostalgia to save me. It takes me back to a simpler time in my life. I had a great childhood. Although I never got my damn turtle van lol. But nostalgia is my own personal portal to all things good. Especially with these difficult times in the world and my life, it wouldn't hurt if we all kicked back and indulged. If you haven't ever given it a try i suggest you do. Very simple method to happiness. Think of your favorite show, hell even carton for your favorite toy when you were a child, watch it, and TELL ME you don't feel better. Some people so this only with music. There's a deep feeling there, but nothing deeper than actually watching something you remember seeing for the first time. Something that always stuck with you, or something you may have not known that you forgot! My favorite site to use is Retro Junk

Resume? / Jobs¿

Meh. I'm not getting anywhere with mine. It's like putting a wet napkin over a bullet wound. Major factors attributing to this are my parents over protective asses. 25 and I've have 3...3 jobs. Only 2 I count because one was trying to set me up to be robbed and I wasn't going. I'll acknowledge that these jobs, while sparse, were obtained of my own accord and I held down for several years. Always the most truth worthy hard working employee. Don't get me started on the school section. I hate that many job leads I find out about are bullshit now anyways. So called "sure things" almost always bottom out. As I always say, if it looks good and sounds good, its a bunch of fucking bullshit. References, plenty of those, really accredited people. Not just pookie, p-nut, june bug & 'nem, but people with degrees and jobs within their field. So that isn't an issue. I don't know. Every time I try to retype my resume mitigating circumstances always dishearten me. Can't do something you don't have your full potential in. That's why I always procrastinate it. Fuck is the use of taking a job your paragraph of a fucking work history?

Jet Setting

Often for the wrong purpose, and up until this past summer, never without regret. I'm almost always out and about! Before I was imprisoned at the casino I was hardly ever in Chicago, let alone Illinois. STL, Cali, ATL, Washington, Texas, Florida, I was never still. Its so easy for me to get up and go because that's just my personality. Always up for excitement and change of scenery. This was hindered by having to request days off 2 weeks ahead of time, and often getting your requests denied for favoritism purposes. It would have been easier to travel with the money, but I seem to only have the time when I don't have the money. Sometimes it isn't for the best however, and I want to return home immediately. As I stated, this is a new feeling, something that occurred upon a California visit. Even worse was the fact that I did not have the $ to return when I wanted. It all ended up working out, but the fact that I'd take myself out of my element and jump into an area with possibilities of being stuck says a lot. I'm a risk taker. Albeit nothing dumb, I like to take risks. What's life without? I travel so much because I have the chances and I take them! People ask "how do you go here there and so forth effortlessly?" the answer is simple....there's No Limit! I'm not one to limit myself in anyway, and what I wanna do I'm gonna. Sorry but I'm not sorry. God made A TON of land, and when it's gone, I wanna be able to say that I got the chance to experience it. Not just look at it in pictures or on television. I type this as I prepare to jet set once again. Can't keep me held down for long. I gotta keep moooooooving...!

Guilt Trip

Pisses me off when people take my kindness for weakness. Which is why I'm rarely kind to people. It ticks me when people try to fucking use me, be it emotionally or physically. people who only call when they need something, from fucking to a phone number it irritates my soul. Or when they try to play me like I'm a fucking idiot. Know this from now and always, I AM ALWAYS 6 STEPS AHEAD YOU FUCKS. Then in order to persuade you they guilt trip you about shit if you say no or if you cant make your mind up quick enough. Either by telling you about old sad shit that's happened to them or whatever. I can't be manipulated. I make bad decisions, but they're of my own. Crying & sad stories don't phase me at all. it's been the case forever, won't change anytime soon. Slowly shit comes to the light with people of this caliber. Trying to make me feel bad about anything I've done or am about to do is futile, unless I'm already upset about it. Save your time and take it elsewhere people.

Cartoons

 

 My favorite of all time...Notes To You

I LOVE CARTOONS!!! Not ashamed or afraid to say it. I guess that's why im so funny as people say. Comedic & crap. Its something about the subtle nuances of them that brings me back to so many memories growing up. Whether it be rainy Sundays watching loony toons, or tiny toon adventures after school before power rangers came on, cartoons are a big part of my life. Now with my music career more so! I have made a few beats using cartoons, one being the Owl Jolson Cartoon "I Love to Sing".

This is a definite tie in to my upcoming post about nostalgia, but I had to let this little known fact about me be known! I look at life as one big cartoon (an RPG often, but a cartoon more so lol). I even like the OLD OLD cartoons, where the audio doesn't even match half the time lol. Bosco, not a lot of people remember bosco or his cartoons, but i LOVED HIM!

I try my best to take everything seriously, but damn it there are so many characters in the world it makes it tough! And the greater part of my childhood was spent watching characters make fools of themselves and low and behold in real life the same occurs. Easy way to chill my spirits and calm me down is watching Batman the Animated Series and reminiscing about how I used to tape it for my father so he could watch it later that night when he got off of work. Then early Saturday mornings, while mom made breakfast, Pop & I were watching X-men trying to figure everything out. I loved that. Its part of the reason why I think I'm going to be a great father. I've no problem reverting and enjoying those things. Unlike most men who are too tough & shit to admit they watch Bugs Bunny & Spongebob and all that...pssssssssssssh, fuck outta hea! I could go on and on about this forever but I won't lol Keep in mind when you see me in the streets though, cartoons are ALWAYS an option! I really REALLY want this one dvd where they have like 500 cartoons on it and i think its like $5 or something on amazon? Yeah, when my monetary situation is straight, just like when I had my apartment, you ALREADY KNOW, 2 shelves of cartoons baby! now I will close with yet another favorite, the closing song to Cartoon Planet. This is from the days before Cartoon Network was an actual channel.

Danger

I've flirted and danced with her plenty in my life. Stupidly, defiantly, but I've always come out unscathed. Real dumb shit too, not just like unprotected sex, or takin one girl out and seeing another girl you're messing with (knowing that both of them are shit house crazy). I mean, driving home from the bar, drunk beyond drunk, on the expressway, sleepy and or falling asleep, in the rain or snow, and texting with my speakers blaring, waking up just in time to make crucial life saving turns. Going to places where I know I don't know anyone, with the potential threat of enemies lying in the background waiting for me to be alone. Headed to some chicks crib before her crazy ass boyfriend gets off work. Not only danger, death has been a possible circumstance also. Yeah, real fucked up stupid shit. That casino stressed me out, but nothing should ever make me feel how I did or do the things I've done. I don't like this characteristic, but I can't shake it. Its like a disease I couldn't get rid of. For the time being I have it floundered and taken care of. Hopefully if I'm in the position again where I'm stressed I won't do such drastic or damaging things. She's so fucking sexy, but I've been doing a pretty good job of staying away from her.  Danger used to be a physical being, but I'm glad she's out of my life. Seeing her @ my niece and nephews school during their winter recital brought back old memories, but all bad. How my face was almost blown off on accident, as well as all the other pain, bullshit, lies, and torment 33 caused me. There are something you should just know better about, and while others do, you could always find Ryan & Danger flirting and dancing. Times have changed however. I'm older and smarter now. My foolish tendencies have waned and my wisdom has taken over.

Humility

Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and he shall lift you up

James 4:10

I've got it. No one can tell me that the Ryan from years past is the same as the current. That break in and firing is definitely what did it. Its a shame it always takes something drastic to happen for peoples lives to turn around. I tried to 360 off the relationship woes and ended up turning myself into and even more insolent man. Once the violation of my livelihood occurred it became a completely different scenario. The feeling my ♥ had as it sank into the pit of my stomach as my apartment door swung open so effortlessly from a push after my three day vacation to my parents house was indescribable. The word 'sinking' is inferior to how I really felt. Raped. Abused. Violated. Period. The loss of my job only a month thereafter allowed everything to start settling in my brain. I didn't want to do anything anymore. No suicidal thoughts, I just...didn't want to do anything. Far from the cocky, loud, money flashing person I was, now I have a sense of sense so to speak. Can't blame it on being young, cuz I still am.

Now, in this the time of Christmas, I am reminded of my old ghost. The plague of shopping and spending frivolously, is embedded in my brain everyday as I check my email in December. Emails from various companies & vendors, wondering where their top customer has gone.

°amazon
°flyclothing
°dr jays
°rocawear
°zales
°overstock
°bestbuy
°ebay

All of these places and many others, daily coupons and deals with my name strewn across it makes me sick to my stomach. How could I have been this way? What caused it? I am glad that it's over, but I let them continue to email me. As a constant reminder to never become my former self ever again. If I could go back in time I'd only wish to transfer my humility. I like being humble " )

Subliminal

You got a fucking problem with me, tell ME. Don't code shit. Also don't fucking make words come out of my mouth that I never said. If YOU feel a way about some shit...that's on you. If I didn't chime in, don't fucking add me into anything of yours. I hate when people treat my name like my dick and just CAN NOT keep it out of their mouths. Im not one for guilt trips either. If you feel like shit, don't expect me to feel bad for you since you're pouring more shit on yourself. Nothing irritates me more. People, you're fucking grown. COME TO ME with issues. Men and Women have done this. What the fuck is wrong with you!? Because honestly, I'd rather not air people's shit out, but if that's how you come to me that's how I will end it.

Organization

Love it. Nothing makes me feel better than having everything organized and in order {see post on Perspective}. How organized am I? Often an hour early to the movies. Always early to any planned meeting. In the same token I HATE disorganization and people who are disorganized. If you don't have your shirt together I can't get with you. How do you expect me to do business with you if you are unorganized? Unorganized people bring down everyone around them. I will not allow it, or allow those kinds of people in my life. If I'm wasting time trying to help you organize, I'm decreasing productivity in my life. Asshole move I know, but I won't damn do it. Nothing like depending on an unorganized person a few times to get the jist of what I'm REALLY saying. They aren't on time or prepared for shit. Either by not holding up to plans, communicating changes, or having the materials necessary to do the tasks at hand. How hard is it? Not at all. People are just lazy as fuck. It attributes to their unorganized ways. It dishevels their lives further so to speak. I personally am to old to be walking with another grown person holding their hands for shit. The have no dependence or dependability. That's why I choose not to deal with unorganized people period.

Weight of Love

I don't want it on my shoulders. I've had it in the past, twice, and if I don't ruin the situation it goes bad on its own. Couldn't bare it at all. I tried and failed miserably. Once I had it, and turned a perfectly beautiful woman into a demon. All because of my actions. True, no one person can fully control another, but persuasion is a key factor. Its not on purpose. I swear to God (which I never do) that its not on purpose. But I can not be held responsible for ruining another perfect human being. Until I can make the correct decision, my life, relationship wise is on indefinite halt and hiatus. My conscious barely lets my mind rest because of all the drama and insanity and torment I've caused in the past. Not again. Never again. I won't allow anyone else to be hurt. Albeit not said, I DO deeply love and care about the person(s) I am/were/was involved with. However until I can find the correct way to express it without bias, or any other mitigating circumstances, I must hold off. I apologize, but this is for the best.

A little hurt now, is much better than a greater amount of hurt later....

-Ryan H.

Right/Wrong

I'm human. We get that. All of us make mistakes. I honestly believe however that I'm the only human who's made mistakes, with awareness of the outcome and the opportunity to make the right choice. The whole red blue pill scenario has found itself into my life again. And I don't want to take the blue one again but I'm tempted to. Always been this way, and I know what causes it...ME. Normally when someone knows the cause of something they have an idea of how to prevent it from happening again. Must've yet again been asleep at the wheel. In one instance I have definitive happiness, sureness. In the other hand I have uncertainty and happiness but unsure how long it will remain. In this situation so many times in my life, I go for what I want, instead of, what's good for me. Negativity has 95% of the time occurred from this, but when the situation arises I am still torn. I can't figure for the life of me how I continue to let this take place. This time I WILL make the right decision. I will not rush or force any issue. It will come natural. I won't let anything persuade me. If time becomes a factor in either scenario I won't let that control me either, as it has in the past and was disastrous. I will make the correct choice.

Perspective

I love when things come together. Everything is in order, situated, and people are on the same page. You can't write a book with someone if you're working on separate chapters. (Ryan H© original) It relieves stress and clears your mind. After months of feeling as if my brain were serving a maximum sentence in jail, it feels free. My heart feels mended and well♥. Everyone needs perspective to let their brains breathe. You can't focus on the future if you can't see or fix obstacles you have accrued in the past. Its impossible. Through all the muck and mud I've been through, I am actually the happiest I've been. I've come to a lot of realization and I feel like a new leaf has been overturned and a new chapter is about to be written in my life " D

Liars

"with clues a many and suspects abound...only one truth prevails" - conan edogawa



If its one thing i cant stand more than anything in the world...its liars. what the fuck? just why? why not be truthful? if people feelings are on the line fuck em! just be real you know? from little shit like Santa Claus and the tooth fairy, to big shit like why you aint pay child support but askin your baby momma what the kids want for Christmas? makes me real pissy. like i wanna punch you in the fucking face if you stand in front of me and lie to me. what are you scared of? you probably did some shit you had no right doing. another thing, when you're caught, give it up! dont keep snowballin lying more when there's clean clear cut evidence. JUST BE FUCKING REAL! liars and thieves are at the top of my list of pet peeves and hatred. i mean seriously, then you have a dumbass look when you get caught. why? you knew the inevitable was going to occur. there's no such thing as the perfect lie. truth always shines out through everything. BELIEVE IT OR NOT. seriously in the end you're only hurting you. as good as you feel for that moment 10 thousand tons of hurt is building up and preparing to shit on you and your life. i hate when people have excuses to, no such thing as reasons, they're all fucking excuses. I did this because you did this...BULLSHIT.

Weed

I don't smoke weed. Never have I ever and I NEVER EVER will. Amost everyone around me has or does. Friends, family, you name it. Not me. After the incident when I was 10, and my sister asked me to light her cigarette on the stove and I did so and I puffed once because it almost went out and had a headache for three days after, I decided that smoking ANYTHING wouldn't be to my favor. It was hilarious when people tried to peer pressure me into it, not knowing that I wasn't going lol Only once in my life could one person have gotten me to try it, but that situations gone and its still gonna be impossible. And you can get lost wit your scientific facts and how its a medicinal drug or how it isn't a drug and blah blah blah. It still makes you a dumbass and I aint goin. I'm not one of those people to bash something without reason or study. I have my own theory about weed and people who smoke it from experiment and observation. Let me explain why I'll never smoke and why people who smoke weed are synonomous with crack heads. Crackheads do anything for crack right? Crackheads 'jones' for a fix when they want crack right? What about people who always want to smoke weed? Or those who have the need to do it daily. If a crackhead had the choice of paying bills or smoking crack, guess which one they choose? Same with people who smoke weed. Say what you want, but I have seen it. Not good enough? Take this scenario:

A drug dealer, baggin up with dirty ass hands. A good majority of them keep them in places police won't check, for instance the taint (a.k.a under the balls area). Not just a possibility of unwiped ass but, envision a 95° day, normally drug dealers are around...all day until the product is gone. You come up, buy said bag of weed, from under his nuts, go home and smoke it. How many of you all who smoke clean the bags off before you crack em open and roll up? Hmmm?


Betcha never thought about it that way huh?


In closing, not just because of the scenario i just gave, but me smoking weed is like having a dick in my mouth...something that WON'T EVER happen!! I don't care if the weed was grown in the purest cleanest form possible, I still ain't going. I've see how people act/react from the shit. I'm good.

Jealousy

I am VERY jealous. Never let me or anyone tell you otherwise. I won't say obsessively, but it is outta control sometimes. I'll get pissed if someone I was dealing with, whom I have no rights to or over, is making calls and comments and shit to or about someone else. Also, I sometimes get jealous about things that I don't even care about. Yeah, weird right? I hate that I chalk up most of my flaws to my spoiled child/lifehood but, shit....its the truth! Funny/fucked up part about it is...I like making people jealous. Ryan Double-Standard H lol Mr. Pot calling the kettle black. Some weird feeling or rush I get about it. I don't let it linger though. I let it get to a certain point then I soothe the person and let her know its good. Show her why its hers and no one elses " ) Just so she'd never have reason to be jealous again. It isn't on purpose, but I suppose it is sort of a test I have put women that I am interested  in through. A friend of mine said a few days ago, "You aren't in a relationship, but there are 'persons of interest'? You make em sound like they're applying for a job, or suspects in a case." That's pretty much the jist of it. Lol

Like a Ton of Bricks....

You ever been told something that just floored you? what about something that should've floored you but you remain standing. sort of numb to it but...just in awe and not sure how to react? my initial response when i read that email was tears...but they didn't fall. i am genuinely happy for her. i really am. and i know i said i wouldn't blog about her anymore from the other entry but i had to comment on this. I'm in such a state of shock. I wonder when it will hit me? all of the things i have said about women with kids and who im looking for and...now shes in that situation pretty much. sorta stalked and read her relationship status and it said single but she may not be. i don't wanna ask. same reason I didn't ask how she was doing when she started emailing me in the middle of November. i honestly didn't want to know how happy she was with her new boyfriend. semi finding out now however...im not moved by it. i am truly deeply happy for her and i want her to be happy and succeed in life. I will be there for her no matter what just like she asked. i believe her when she said she has no ill will toward me. Even as a friend, which i honestly believe i can do now... i WILL be there for her.

Blame it on the Alcohol?

I fucking HATE grown ass people who can't handle liquor. Its on the list as one of my biggest pet peeves. You can't drink, DON'T DRINK! Then the cheap ass cop out when something happens "it must have been the liquor". You know what you're doing when you're doing it. You WANTED to kiss that other dude in front of your boyfriend. You WANTED to kiss all those girls and do whatever you do with that random guy that night. The liqour was just your scapegoat. Irritates me when people blame it on that. I've been stinko and BEYOND always remembered everything about the night before. Worse is when you get someone (or a friend) who fucks up your party or good time, because you have to take care of their drunk ass. Just destroys your whole night. Falling all over shit, embarrassing themselves and what not, then you turn into the babysitter for a 30 y/o. Carrying em out and shit...naaah, I ain't get fresh to E.M.T. someone out. Oh and don't let it be a chick I'm interested in...no kinda dick is gettin layed. I don't have sex with drunk women or have sex while im drunk...unless it's my girlfriend or unless papers are signed and a lawyer is present. I ain't goin out like willie lump lump. Bottom line, if you can't hang, don't try. Coming out blowin my buzz after we drove that distance, spent 30 minutes in line, spent $20 to get in and you wanna get slapped and then we gotta go...No.