Sunday, June 27, 2010

Clarity


I need clarity. Its like I have the feeling and vision of what I want and need, but its unattainable. Like its there but smudged. Or at least the directions to get there are smudged. So many things have occurred recently that are destined to place me back in that ever so often arising state of melancholy that occurs. Unemployment's done. Jobs turning me down, or im being held from certain jobs on purpose. Both bank accounts are somehow overdrawn, with NO money anywhere for them to be fixed. Restless, just a myriad of circumstances. I used to own mental windex, when I was cocky, arrogant and reckless. Now that im much more mature, I need a stronger formula. My music seems to suffer. I've fallen back into a slump.....again. I don't know. I need to figure all of this out. I have to have a list and plot my steps out. Fuck everyone else. Its time to be selfish. I cant keep giving to ungrateful people and getting shitted on, or wasting my time with idiotic ideas or values. I refuse to be a stepping stone or slave. I need to focus. Focus. Focus. FOCUS. Focus on myself, my goals, a plan to get me out of the hole that I'm in. As well as an extra rope to escape once I have escaped.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Monday, June 14, 2010

Employment


Swear I want to smack the fuck out of any and everyone who's complaining about work. I've been out of work a year and a half, and you have the nerve to complain about your job? You smug motherfucker.  I wish I could line you all up and take 5 from you. You know how much this works on someone's personality, their mind, their life? You know what. Quit your job. Give it to me. You don't fucking deserve it (see resume/jobs blog post). Makes m sick hearing and reading it everyday. So much it makes me want to delete every social networking site I have and become a hermit. All applications for everywhere are online. Im sick and tired of that shit. Asking me 30 ways "if you would steal" or these stupid ass personality traits. Its 4 questions asked 65 times. I already hate repetition so this doesn't make it better. Then to top everything off, I heard they're looking at your credit before they hire you....you fucking kidding me?! How the fuck can.  You get ahead when they won't let you move forward. Got creditors from student loans threatening to garnish my wages...surprise surprise ion have a fucking job! Have at it! I say fuck em all. Let em make my credit rating a 0 and throw me in jail or whatever the fuck they want to do. Already hard as hell as it is. I could give a fuck less about it anymore. Because once I am working I know there'll be more issues. But to you people complaining to go or about your jobs...quit. See how much you like the fucking struggle

Saturday, June 12, 2010

Privy



This detective skill sucks sometimes. The whole ignorance is bliss thing is something I wish I could endure....sometimes. you know how you can tell peoples actions by mannerisms or whatever, well since I pay attention yo detail, I have this a thousand fold. It is good always knowing things ahead of time, but sometimes.....sometimes I wish for that ignorance. Great for normal out of the the box thinking, but bad for everyday situations. If only there was a switch lol A switch to flip between knowledge and ignorance, so I could pick and choose my spots. I don't play poker, probably because I wear my emotions like my skin. Also a good/bad thing. Not knowing something won't make it go away though, no matter how much we wish for it. Id settle for that dumbledore memory eraser. Put a wand up to my head, and pull memories, info out, to store it away. Im aware of every subliminal or indirect comment. Sometimes I wish I wasn't.

Monday, June 7, 2010

Erased


 
So for the third time in my life, all of my raps and shit are gone. Is this a sign or something? My sd card stayed fucking up, but this time it was an error of my own. Before i factory reset my phone yesterday I should have exported the files. Fuck. The layout for 3 mix tapes as well as a new song i had just written were there. Now gone. Back to square one. My memory is shit so I know I wont remember it. I dont feel the same as I did that say so the feelings wont be there when I try to write it again. I hate this shit. Id say fuck technology all together and get a notebook but they're too fucking clunky! Not as easily accessible as my phone. Gonna have to save drafts. im over being pissed. Cant bitch about something of which you have no control. Its more nerve wrecking than anything. Not like Im recording soon anyhow. Sucky part about writing a song based off of the emotions you feel AT THAT TIME...you may never feel that way again. Its hard to duplicate. I honestly wouldnt ever want to feel that way again anyhow. Song or not. Huuuuuuuuuuuuuh. Guess I gotta just chalk it up and get back at it.....eventually.

Friday, June 4, 2010

Ideal


My ideal thing would be to get a job paying well and their be apartments nearby. Good neighborhood, close to a metro so candi can get back and forth to work. I don't think it really affected me until our conversation that...she's pretty much doing it all. This houseband shit isn't for me. I don't mind cooking and cleaning up...but I want to work. I see that daily its not working with us sharing a place. I tried to be optimistic, but from her other cousin not moving to the shitty diapers in the house...its not working. We'd need our own. With her gettin this raise it'd be perfect because around tax time next year she could get a vehicle. Maybe sooner if we did our money correctly. The leaking shit, the violence, the broken shit, the bugs, I can't do. Never had to deal with it never want to. Im sick of not working. I hope someone calls me back soon. Shit anywhere. Some money is better than none. It also pushes me closer to my ideal life. Preferably sometheing paying more than $8. I have a car note and insurance and shit I need to think of. I hate not being able to do nice things for my girlfriend when I want. Having to say "eh maybe next week" is dead. So used to my life of the past, I know im ready for it now. I was wreckless and irresponsible, that's why God took it all away. I've understood that for a while. Im ready to work and get back to that level or better. Im much more organized and responsible now. I can undertake anything thrown my way. Im ready to return to my ideal world.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Inference



Seems to be the best method of getting information you want. Or making your feelings or ideas known without causing uproar. May even be possible to change someones mind using these tactics. Often things happen accidentally while giving an undeserving person credit. When an inference is made, more likely than not, the person will take the credit even if they don't deserve it! You might have an idea of how you want someone to think, feel, or believe, and once you make an inference, like magic your suggestion is taken. It isn't 100% but the few times in my life I've used it or had it used on me it's worked. Could be a boss at your job, debating on who yo give a promotion. You have a conversation with the boss, make a few inferences of how much of a bad business decision and asinine someone would be to promote the other guy...and what do you know? Like you literally pretty much told your boss he'd be a dumb ass not to hire..you! Say it without saying ya feel me? These tactics are probably used by politicians often. They say something, but they mean something else. The general consensus takes it to a positive, so the politician runs with it lol Crazy shit, but I have had several situations where...shit just happened on accident. I wont lie, I always run with it lol Why give back good credit given? Even if it isn't deserved, they'll never know that. " D Some people may never have had good happen to them at all in their lives until these situations occur. Why not take advantage of it?