I dont want to say thats what it is, but looking ahead that's what it felt like. Like, I made one and I dont want to make it again, but it seems I'm right on that road. I honestly thought these angry depressed funks were done in 2009. When I thought I'd found everlasting happiness. There would be no more depressed moods, or sadness. I was wrong however. I thoought that the END meant the END. All those feelings would be gone and unnecessary, but I didnt take into account more bullshit. I dont want to use having a child as an outlet for happiness. The last time I tried to have an outlet that fell under my feet. Now I have so much shit failing on me. Emotion, financial, just Life. Funny how years ago I thought just working would cure what ailed me. Nope. Of course there'd be more shit shoveled. Why is it that we always wish we could go back and change things? I honestly wish I had the foresight to not make these reckless decisions over and over. Apparently they'll continue though. I dont want to think of having a child as a mistake. I mean true it does have the possibility of going two ways, but again, when I think positive of something it almost never comes to fruition. So there's that. Then its all the financial shit. I bet once that's all situated (IF it gets situated) I'm still going to end up shitty in the long run I just need a fucking release man. I've been under pressure and stress and shit before, this isn't new. The magnitude however is much different than before. Like, I truly can't with this shit. Drinking does nothing, I learned that in the past when I lived that fast young life. You can only wish everyone grows up at the same speeds but they do not. Everytime I feel a way, I'm right. As I blogged about before, I honestly wish I wasn't but I am. I just need a fucking break. My head feels like it's going to melt. This shit is too much. I just want peace of mind..hell even a piece of a sane mind. Anything to bring me to ease. I feel like no matter what I can't relax. I should't have to feel like I'm always on the look out or weary of goings on around me. I'm not taking anyones medication so that shit's out. Zoloft or whatever the fuck, then I'll have anal leakage and be trying to kill myself. No, I need some form of stress relief. Sex used to be it in the past, but honestly, that doesn't do it for me anymore either. I just need something. I want to be calm. I want to be cared for truly. I want to be respected and considered. I want my monetary issues to be resolved. I know about speaking things into being, but I sorta feel shitty about this situation with this loan. If they deny me then what? $14,000 left to be raped from my checks, hell maybe less after I file my taxes finally. I want to be positive, but I need help, support. Genuinely.
