Saturday, May 14, 2011

May 14th 2011

So I don't over think as much as I thought I do. Now I'm waiting and harping on all that's occurred. In my life, relationship, and at work. Reflecting on things that were done and said and what I believed the meanings to be true. How to continue. No matter what I won't be satisfied. There will always be doubts and I wish it wasn't so. Would they protect me this much if I fell ill at work? Or would they dump me off like a quarter store abortion clinic, much like how the casino did. Work eithic and work quality don't stand for shit. Believing now that they never did. All they want is the best worker ao that they can deplete him and then move on to the next work horse. How much was truth and will be truth now? Thr tension in the air everywhere is unbearable. I don't have an escape. My "escape rope" theory from the past was a bad idea. Karmatic actions, fate, or pure hatred. How do I know what I'm doing is sufficient? If acknowledged, how will I know that its genuine? Do I fit in....period? Am I wanted? Am I wanted for anything more than my youth, or skill? I asked for all of this. The same way almost all of mt blogs end...ultimately I'm in control and I allow whatever occurs. 10 years have passed, and I have absolutely no sense of accomplishment. Plans I had, differed by bad decisions and bad decisions not made by me have negated so much. I feel stagnant, unsupported, and just...here. Maybe I am unworthy for everything I want from my job and relationship and life in general. So I soldier on. Just because.