Ungrateful

no matter what i do, it'll never be any good
i built you a house from my bones, you hate the neighborhood+
invested my hearts savings to your love bank in the rain
what happened? you complained that there was too much change+
i donated blood to you and you alone ignoring my lust
you weren't satisfied because it wasn't enough+
i used my veins as the reigns to strengthen the control
of the horse leading the carriage, you hated bumps in the road+
i tried to keep sanity navigating this relationship
you had no regrets when you abandoned ship+
so here i stand with the wheel in my hands
sinking into a sea of doubt while you wade in the sand+

Mistake?

I dont want to say thats what it is, but looking ahead that's what it felt like. Like, I made one and I dont want to make it again, but it seems I'm right on that road. I honestly thought these angry depressed funks were done in 2009. When I thought I'd found everlasting happiness. There would be no more depressed moods, or sadness. I was wrong however. I thoought that the END meant the END. All those feelings would be gone and unnecessary, but I didnt take into account more bullshit. I dont want to use having a child as an outlet for happiness. The last time I tried to have an outlet that fell under my feet. Now I have so much shit failing on me. Emotion, financial, just Life. Funny how years ago I thought just working would cure what ailed me. Nope. Of course there'd be more shit shoveled. Why is it that we always wish we could go back and change things? I honestly wish I had the foresight to not make these reckless decisions over and over. Apparently they'll continue though. I dont want to think of having a child as a mistake. I mean true it does have the possibility of going two ways, but again, when I think positive of something it almost never comes to fruition. So there's that. Then its all the financial shit. I bet once that's all situated (IF it gets situated) I'm still going to end up shitty in the long run I just need a fucking release man. I've been under pressure and stress and shit before, this isn't new. The magnitude however is much different than before. Like, I truly can't with this shit. Drinking does nothing, I learned that in the past when I lived that fast young life. You can only wish everyone grows up at the same speeds but they do not. Everytime I feel a way, I'm right. As I blogged about before, I honestly wish I wasn't but I am. I just need a fucking break. My head feels like it's going to melt. This shit is too much. I just want peace of mind..hell even a piece of a sane mind. Anything to bring me to ease. I feel like no matter what I can't relax. I should't have to feel like I'm always on the look out or weary of goings on around me. I'm not taking anyones medication so that shit's out. Zoloft or whatever the fuck, then I'll have anal leakage and be trying to kill myself. No, I need some form of stress relief. Sex used to be it in the past, but honestly, that doesn't do it for me anymore either. I just need something. I want to be calm. I want to be cared for truly. I want to be respected and considered. I want my monetary issues to be resolved. I know about speaking things into being, but I sorta feel shitty about this situation with this loan. If they deny me then what? $14,000 left to be raped from my checks, hell maybe less after I file my taxes finally. I want to be positive, but I need help, support. Genuinely.

May 14th 2011

So I don't over think as much as I thought I do. Now I'm waiting and harping on all that's occurred. In my life, relationship, and at work. Reflecting on things that were done and said and what I believed the meanings to be true. How to continue. No matter what I won't be satisfied. There will always be doubts and I wish it wasn't so. Would they protect me this much if I fell ill at work? Or would they dump me off like a quarter store abortion clinic, much like how the casino did. Work eithic and work quality don't stand for shit. Believing now that they never did. All they want is the best worker ao that they can deplete him and then move on to the next work horse. How much was truth and will be truth now? Thr tension in the air everywhere is unbearable. I don't have an escape. My "escape rope" theory from the past was a bad idea. Karmatic actions, fate, or pure hatred. How do I know what I'm doing is sufficient? If acknowledged, how will I know that its genuine? Do I fit in....period? Am I wanted? Am I wanted for anything more than my youth, or skill? I asked for all of this. The same way almost all of mt blogs end...ultimately I'm in control and I allow whatever occurs. 10 years have passed, and I have absolutely no sense of accomplishment. Plans I had, differed by bad decisions and bad decisions not made by me have negated so much. I feel stagnant, unsupported, and just...here. Maybe I am unworthy for everything I want from my job and relationship and life in general. So I soldier on. Just because.

Bothered?

I really hate people who stunt. Like SERIOUSLY, if you have an issue or problem with me, don't bullshit about it. Be a real man or woman and tell me. Walking around ignoring me or being a dick will get you nowhere. If I notice it and I'm in my assholish mood, i'll fuck around and CONTINUE irritating your ass. If its another thing I cant stand its people who complain that I'm bugging or bothering them...when you haven't even come to me. I PROMISE & GUARANTEE I'll leave you the fuck alone if you tell me. Don't just up and act shitty though, that'll fuck around and make me hate you. Like period. I swear some folks just like having the thrill of saying "ugh so and so keep textin and callin me, always bothering me...like get a hint" FUCK THAT. Say what you gotta say to me. I'll never bother you again in LIFE. Realest of speech. I'm a grown ass man who doesn't have time for childish pussy ass guessing games. Do yourself a favor.

A Day

Can I have a day?
One day where I'm first?
A day of acknowledgment and admiration?
My very own day where I'm thought of?
A day where I am appreciated and its shown by action, not empty words?
Where time is spent the way I wanted?
I'm catered to instead of vice versa?
The love I give is reciprocated, genuinely?
Nothing is done out of dread or fear?
A day where I don't feel like I'm just being used?
I'm not expected to do tasks that I really don't have to, but I do in fear of even more rejection and neglect?
A day of respect?
A day where this is done from genuine compassion, not because favors are expected to be returned?
A day where all of this occurs, just because?
Not because it is mentioned?
Just one day?
Not because its my birthday or any special occasion?
If that's too much, I'll accept an hour.
If that's still too much, a minute.
A second, where it can be my day, and I will be the alpha and omega of that day.


My day.

So I came back after 9 months....

Stated it briefly on twitter, but I learned a lot in these few days being back at home after 9 months. People have changed for the better and worst. I'm deeply saddened that I couldn't see everyone and do all the things I wanted to do (get souvenirs, food, record music, hang out), but some people.....ya'll need to do better. I still wont be an asshole and name names and all of that, but some people are still stagnant from 9 months ago when I left. You don't want better from your life? I mean you are in control of EVERY situation that you are in. You can DO better. Stop being afraid. Get up and do. Can't complain about shit that you can change. At least not to me anyway. I don't want to hear the shit. There's no way that you can be content. I can see how miserable you are in your actions/text/speech. You need to be fearless. Explore life. Try new things. DO new things.  I love everyone here, friends and fam, so I want you to want to do better. I left EVERYTHING, for love. Not knowing what was next, not knowing where I was going, but I was out. Enjoying my life. Making moves toward a better life. Not in the same stew, with the same repetitive actions. My sister came up with this slogan for me, I am still debating getting it tattooed on me, but it fits so perfectly. "No Failure, for the Fearless" There is no failure for someone who is actually active in their life. You can't sit back and wait for shit to happen. Life isn't as long as you'd think. The same way when you were a kid and you SCREAMED "I can't wait to be an adult" and everyone told you to pump your brakes and enjoy childhood. Now you're an adult, you look back like....fuck. I wish I would've done that. I had a few good talks while I was here. Some were uplifting and some were saddening. Made me realize a lot. Happy that I have made the decisions I have and have the goals and plans that I do. I've probably blogged this before, I WANT to help everyone but I know I can't. It wasn't all sadness though. It was nice seeing my brother again after all this time. Coming back in August to be in his wedding. That's gonna be weird lol I wont be gone as long as before because I am employed now. So the faces of love I once left won't be sad as they were before. They had no idea of when or IF I would ever return. I felt like I could have drowned in all of the tears shed for me. It's a huge burden off of my soul to know that I won't cause that kind of hurt in people I care about again. The family and friends will visit me and Candi in VA soon. Everything is still going according to goal :D So as I sign off, from the computer in my parents extra room/my niece and nephew's room/my old room, I am excited for all of the new things that are coming to fruition. Hopefully the next blog is from my macbook pro lol

1/19/11

wow. what the fuck has been going on in my life lol things are much better than they were before, not perfect but much better. i realized last night trying to get a track list together of things to record....that all my songs are sad as fuck. not like suicidal sad, but the tone. i have hardly ANY exciting or fun filled songs. like, i was really going through all that? makes me sad all over again realizing it right now. i want to be jovial, but how can I with shit like pipe dreams, listen to me, and natural high? i don't wanna record that shit. its fuckin depressing. not to mention the kind of shit people like to listen to nowadays anyway deters me from it. I've admitted it to myself and a few others, but never open like this. Im not cocky, but i know im dope. I just feel like, what's the point really? i mean im good at it, but i honestly don't see this as something i really want to do anymore. Could be the lack of outlets talking. I mean it's been years. That shit weighs down on you. Along with all the other problems in life. I don't know though. I've been in this funk several times before. Snapped out of it once I felt inspired. But now, I'm honestly not sure what I want. All I ever hear now os garbage and talentless people. Do I really wanna prove to people I don't know or give a fuck about that I'm better than them? I mean its not hard. So many factors and shit. Who knows how long this will last. On top of it all, I still feel like I'm number 4 or 5 on the list. I know my blogs were supposed to get better but, lack of support and outlets, I gotta say how I really feel. what a way to start off the year right?