5/20/13 Update!

Lots of changes since my last post. Still int he same position at my job unfortunately (don't fucking get me started. More than likely a later blog post), but I am engaged, have a new car and I have a son on the way. Royal Jerome will be born on or around September 24th. No matter what things I haven't finished or accomplished that I began, I feel whole now. There are still key things missing, but I can only hope and pray for the best of those in the future. Also starting a new comedy group with a friend of mine from out here. All the crazy movie ideas I had/have will make perfect skits. I know I haven't updated so everyone who read this has probably been long gone, but I'm still going to promote the youtube series on all of my outlets. 

Speaking of which....I rejoined twitter. Why? I haven't the foggiest. After a week I almost deleted it again. Then I realized my pal and I would probably need a twitter page for the comedy group for more promotion and a way to stay connected with our fans. Tumblr has been the greatest thing ever as far as social outlets go haha. I have two different pages. One ratchet of course being myself, the other is JustMrH.tumblr.com which is just photos of...well...me. It's been called narcissistic but, 68 other people don't believe so. The only difference between it and instagram is....well there really isn't one. I probably will not get an instagram, if I do it will be when Royal is born. I've been feeling a lot better physically these days. After a workout calendar that I began at the end of January, I've kind of branched out into my own workouts. I use my phone to chronicle each months differences in my body since I've mainly been working on the core. It's put together better than the picasa photo album I have under this name, but the photo grid app I use is a bit wonky so they shots are all over the place. 

New car, 2012 black impalas nice the monte was wrecked a while back. Birthday this sunday and as a present to myself Im getting my speakers reinstalled into this car. 29 years, sheesh I'm old. I'm sure I said in my last post I'd try to post more, I have no excuses not to now with all of the time I have. I haven't been back home in almost a year and, it's been a factor. Like I feel good physically, but mentally eh... you know how it goes. I guess I'll wrap this up here. Maybe I'll have an actual topic next time as opposed to just rambling on about myself.

Crutch

I get a little more than pissy when I'm used. Like I hate when people want me only as a crutch. Just enough to get over their physical injuries or emotional woes then never talk to me again or limit conversation. People who only contact me when they're in need of help. Won't respond to texts or IMs unless someone hurt you emotionally, or you need a favor or assistance or someone to keep you company while your body heals. People who visit just to pass time then once they're better off they don't hit you up or return any form of communication. Like I'm not the one who fucked you over and have you feeling shitty about yourself or the one who broke your collar bone or the one who controlled your life to the point where you had no place to live. I'm the one who sat with you and calmed you down, I'm the one who was there for you and helped you out and around while you convalesced, I'm the one who offered you somewhere to stay. I'm steady treated like I'm everyones fucking emotional nurse, then afterward never any general or casual conversation, unless it all occurs again. They just expect me to be that support they need. Sick of that shit and I refuse to do it anymore. Miss me with all of it. I'm cutting a ton of folks off and out.

Control

Obviously I can't complain because I'm guilty of it as well, but what is it with people letting other people treat them shitty and control their lives? Like...this person is oppressing you...and you keep them on a pedestal. I know of way too many people who go through this. I've sat with them during the pain, tears and sometimes suicidal moments. The agony they put themselves through for someone who can care less about them. This attracts you? This is what you think "love" is? People say its 'daddy issues' and other factors but I've seen women/men with great backgrounds fall into this pit. Do you think you can change that person? As much hurt as they cause, why would/do you stay? I've been there, giving my all to someone, holding them in high regard when they shit all over me. What did I do? Clean the shit off and keep going, keep trusting and keep loving. Why I did it was because I thought I saw the good in a woman or I accepted it all as karma from the horrid things I've done in the past. This was of course until I realized that I didn't need to sacrifice myself to pay penance. We all need to wake up. one or two good days don't make up for the months of torment. I have a friend now TRAPPED in a marriage, always wrecking her brain about what to do. Why work so hard for a person who could care less whether you're happy or miserable, living or breathing. Stop squandering your physical and mental power on another when you could be bettering yourself.

Mistake?

I dont want to say thats what it is, but looking ahead that's what it felt like. Like, I made one and I dont want to make it again, but it seems I'm right on that road. I honestly thought these angry depressed funks were done in 2009. When I thought I'd found everlasting happiness. There would be no more depressed moods, or sadness. I was wrong however. I thoought that the END meant the END. All those feelings would be gone and unnecessary, but I didnt take into account more bullshit. I dont want to use having a child as an outlet for happiness. The last time I tried to have an outlet that fell under my feet. Now I have so much shit failing on me. Emotion, financial, just Life. Funny how years ago I thought just working would cure what ailed me. Nope. Of course there'd be more shit shoveled. Why is it that we always wish we could go back and change things? I honestly wish I had the foresight to not make these reckless decisions over and over. Apparently they'll continue though. I dont want to think of having a child as a mistake. I mean true it does have the possibility of going two ways, but again, when I think positive of something it almost never comes to fruition. So there's that. Then its all the financial shit. I bet once that's all situated (IF it gets situated) I'm still going to end up shitty in the long run I just need a fucking release man. I've been under pressure and stress and shit before, this isn't new. The magnitude however is much different than before. Like, I truly can't with this shit. Drinking does nothing, I learned that in the past when I lived that fast young life. You can only wish everyone grows up at the same speeds but they do not. Everytime I feel a way, I'm right. As I blogged about before, I honestly wish I wasn't but I am. I just need a fucking break. My head feels like it's going to melt. This shit is too much. I just want peace of mind..hell even a piece of a sane mind. Anything to bring me to ease. I feel like no matter what I can't relax. I should't have to feel like I'm always on the look out or weary of goings on around me. I'm not taking anyones medication so that shit's out. Zoloft or whatever the fuck, then I'll have anal leakage and be trying to kill myself. No, I need some form of stress relief. Sex used to be it in the past, but honestly, that doesn't do it for me anymore either. I just need something. I want to be calm. I want to be cared for truly. I want to be respected and considered. I want my monetary issues to be resolved. I know about speaking things into being, but I sorta feel shitty about this situation with this loan. If they deny me then what? $14,000 left to be raped from my checks, hell maybe less after I file my taxes finally. I want to be positive, but I need help, support. Genuinely.