Real Love leaves no room for inference

Real Love leaves no room for doubt

Real Love leaves no room for question

Real Love doesn't care about clout

Real Love brings joy instead of pain

Real Love means they care

Real Love blossoms not wilts

Real Love is a high I never want to come down from

Don't shake my tree.

Happiness is still elusive to me

No matter what choices I make or decisions I see

I forever pick the wrong one always outdone

By hatred & jealousy from people who're always on one

I just try to be peace like Ree said

But every time I close my eyes I can see red

And they test cuz they think its all gravy

Smoother than velvet or softer than a baby

It hurts hard when you relinquish trust

and its pummeled, spat on and tossed in the dust

Why plot on the inside? 

Supposed to be a unit but there's always a divide

Is this really what your life has brought you?

Lonely because you close off the world in your cubicle

Give em all that they want and more till you're sore

Still ending up short cuz you seem to be a bore

Then it changes so quick

The synapses in my brain can't move that quick

You mean to tell me the monetary change

Makes for a new life and anger is estranged?

That act is deranged you passed all the bullshit

Grown as fuck so now you guess you gotta pull it

Back to the old days being what it was

But smarter for the ware and much deeper in love

Give it all away like Jesus asked us

Maybe then we can understand the sad stuff

 

Better.

12/9 Thoughts and Reflections (Spaz pt. 2)

   I decided to begin to write more freely. Granted my blog initially started from anger, but after a while it formed into a way for me to express myself free from judgment. Then it became something that was used against me. In the sense that...EVERYTHING I wrote was mistaken to be directed to an individual, which caused me to shelter and censor my blogs. No way for the mind to work. Especially not my mind. With that I wanted to talk a little about a realization I had today. The down side to me being a laughy, joke cracking person is that people don't take me seriously or always think I'm a joke. Soft or weak even, couldn't be more inaccurate. This probably adds to that thing I hate where I speak and someone cuts me off or no ones listens. 10/10 I'm right though. Then they end up looking like a fucking idiot. Im not that much of an asshole to laugh in their faces about it. Not anymore anyways. I just sit back and enoy the car wreck. As it happens again, and again, and again. I've unbelievable anger issues too. My God, if any of my thoughts were spit from the mouth, raw as their creation, sheesh. Even though I can control my mouth, I'm just glad there's no crime against thoughts.

   I wish I didn't have to spaz(insert link) to show how I can be. I mean, I am an adult after all. NOT hauling off and smacking or punching people is what has kept me out of jail most of my life. That and mother wit. I'm very unstable, you wont find many people who will admit to this or who do admit to it but say so for dramatic effect. I mean it in no joking manner or just something to say. I fucking mean it. I've been through so much shit in my life physically but mainly emotionally that has me at the edge. I don't know what will be the catalyst, I just hope I can snap and get it over with before my children are born. I don't want this for them or for them to ever have to see this side of their father. Or to have me ever unleash it on them. As I said in a previous blog maybe I do over think things often, but my mind(insert link) is a motherfucker. I also hate that I'm privy (insert link) to many things. I don't know if people don't care and choose not to hide shit. That they're that bold to do shit in your face to see a reaction. Or if they're that careless and stupid. Either way, I can't sit idly and be poked at like I won't jap the fuck out. All it takes is that one time to show and prove. In my case however that one time IS the end all be all. I don't ever hope to unleash it. But I'm tested. Oh boy am I tested. I get people doing shit that others have been hospitalized for less. Disrespect in my face, blatant comments and actions. Like a cattle prod and a fucking bull. I'd try meditation, but I lack patience. I need instant gratification. Instant relief, and fucking whomever up is the only recourse I honestly have. Nope, I suck it all in and smile. Act oblivious. I know its making it worse, but what other choice do I have? I mentioned today on my twitter how I deal with so much bullshit and cuntfuckery daily that it's probably good that I never won the lottery or fell into a large sum of money. I'd disappear faster than anyone could fathom lol I joked the other day with a friend about their being a vacation spot away from life, besides jail, unemployment, and suicide lol Just somewhere to rest from EVERYTHING. Unemployed doesn't work because then all you can do is stress about not having money. Well I would/did/do for that matter. For maybe a month or so. Doubt I'd be fully healed, but I may be rested enough to handle al the extra shit bags and smiles I'm dealt. Does no good talking to people or the problems directly either. More issues and stress ALWAYS come from that. Got to be leery of helping hands people. No such thing. People either want to be nosy, patronize, or add on. Sex helps my sanity though....but i'll save that blog everyone has been waiting for for later.

Lazy.

I ignore fat people who eat uncontrollably, never exercise and complain about their weight. Every new year that's the resolution for many. I even ignore people who are unemployed, who spend their free time smoking weed instead of finding a decent job. I ignore people who constantly complain about their lives but do nothing to better themselves. Laziness. Its horrible. Nothing in this world is free or falls into your lap. I've always been a firm believer in the idea that you can only help someone so much until they have to decide to help themselves. Now lets look at that. Decide, why would you have to decide to do better in your life? Putting forth action and effort is a deterring feat for most people who fall into the "lazy" category. Another instance is people who make horrible decisions. I've always considered myself a good friend, and hopefully I am considered the same by my friends.  I will be there, but I can't sit and keep watching you falter or fall for the same shit over and over again. It's laziness to just go with what you want after asking for advice you knew you weren't going to follow. Many female friends of mine have had relationship issues and their plight has been being lazy and deciding to settle. It also fucking sucks when people are so lazy that they just agree with what you're saying just to shut you up rather than listen so they can understand your point of view. This happens in many areas. Families, Friends, Relationships and the work place. These are the same ones who are always quick to judge and never place themselves in that persons shoes. A lot of people know damn well that if a situation was reversed they'd feel completely different about it. Time has to be taken out and situations must be accessed. Laziness is a disease that's festered and affected the lives of many people. It saddens me watching lives crumble because of it. Understandably I'm different from many people, but I won't tolerate it. I want better in my life so I go for it. Sometimes I am motivated and sometimes I am not, but I get it done. Whatever it may be.

A New Horizon.

Wow. It's been a while right? Almost a year anniversary in a few weeks.
For the blog and myself & Candi =]. I've really come full circle too. My
life has picked up like I prayed and worked so hard for it to. I have a
wonderful job, a beautiful woman by my side, and finances are almost in
order. Everything is good. I've gone from working the grave shift at CVS
making dirt, to working the early bird at Apple. I've been so busy with
work that I haven't had the time to update here, let alone get in contact
with family and friends. It's like that sometimes though. When you truly
commit to something and you're focused on doing better. We're also moving in a
few weeks. From a house Maryland to a condo in Virginia. I had only realized maybe
two weeks ago that my life is secretly where I've always wanted it...RIGHT
NOW. Dream job, beautiful area to live on the East Coast, only one thing
left. Waiting on news about that though lol Anyhow, this is just a small update. New blogs coming soon! So many exciting things in my life, I gotta break 'em down and share them with you all.


Cya [=

-Ryan H (TH1RT3EN)

Horoscope

Normally these are a crock of bullshit but....well lol

GEMINI Sep, 09, 2010

If you are feeling unappreciated it's about time, Gemini! Actually, what that means is that it's about time you started to notice that someone isn't treating you very well. This is someone you may have bent over backwards to please, and done everything in your power to satisfy. Still, though, this individual doesn't seem to recognize or respect your efforts. Let it be known how you feel, and if things don't change, it may be time to move on and share your time with someone who adores you and shows it.

Life BEFORE Luck

Can't stop me!!!

That bitch.....crazy?

A friend of mine asked, generally, "What goes through a guys mind when your first talking to them?" She knew sex was a given, but wondered if there was a specific list. I told her the honest truth. "It all depends on the type of guy he is." Vague, but true. Being that I have been all kinds of every guy in my lifetime, I broke it down even further. There's a guy who wants to fuck you, immediately, but will try to be patient and take his time with you. Let's call him the heart breaker. Doing everything you want (dates, etc.) until he gets his chance. He'll do the extreme. Meet your family, befriend your friends, and sucker you into a relationship. He'll even go so far as to tell you he loves you....if it can get him some pussy. Which often results in "Man, that bitch crazy!". I'll elaborate more on that statement later. In real life he's fucking other chicks until you're ready. Then you have the guy who's sweet and sensitive and is genuinely attracted to you. Sex is the furthest from his mind because hes interested more so in your MIND. Let's call him Mr. Right. You can tell him by phone calls, and texts when he says he will, also by the style of conversation. Has he mentioned sex at all within knowing you three weeks? Often not. If sex is brought up he will change the subject, simply because he isn't interested in that aspect of you yet. This is the guy most women THINK they want. By the end however he's too emotional for you and can be portrayed as 'soft'. Then there's the guy who wants to fuck. Bold. Out there. Plain and simple. Cut and dry. He's the reason all men are mislabeled "Dog ass nigga". Hell, He'll tell you from jump himself. In fact, he believes if he doesn't fuck you or get head on your first encounter, then you're a waste of time to him. On to the next. This guy has issues from past relationships which causes his tolerance and trust in the opposite sex to be null and void. Initially, not necessarily for the sake of my daughter, but I hindsight I'm glad I did, I have been all of the above men. Some men are a mixture of the aforementioned, some are just one. Being that I have been all of the above listed, my daughter will know what to watch out for. I'll start in reverse order.
     The "Dog" as women so vehemently call him, was made this way because he was once Mr. Right. He had been taken advantage of one too many times. Treated like shit by women he's loved, and tolerated it only because he wanted them to be happy. After losing trust for all women he became the ultimate asshole. This works in his favor, simply because 90% of the time, women like assholes. He's primal. Lets sex be the end all be all. Nothing more than wondering where the next mouth or new pussy is coming from. He could be an no good unemployed stay at home nigga with a few baby mommas, or he could be a semi wealthy, well respected businessman. The attitude toward sex in general is the easiest way to spot him. Many women think all men are like this, but they misconstrue.
     Mr. Right, he's laid back. Respectful. He was raised to treat a woman correctly and comes from a good upbringing. This is the guy most women think they want. He's often too sensitive for many womens tastes. Not to the effect that won't defend them when time permits, but that he's overly emotional in the relationship. Some women feel as if they are the man and he's the woman. He cares for them more than anything. Sacrificing everything for the sake of their happiness. Sometimes heart breakers or dogs fall into this category when they see the big picture. No one wants to be alone for the rest of their life. If he was a heart breaker, he'll deal with all bullshit a woman outs him through, sacrificing his manhood, simply for Karmatic effect. He feels he must go through this to atone for all the wrong hes caused in his life. The same for the dog. In the end he ends up alone because he doesn't have that edge that women want.
     Now for the Heart Breaker. Mr. I'm going to do or say whatever it takes to fuck THAT particular woman. This is often the cheater in a relationship. He's the most extreme. No matter what it takes, he's going to fuck you if that's what he wishes. Even if he has to make you his girlfriend and be with you for months or years. This is the real snake. The one who sends you head over heels, then when he's had his fill, he drops you. Which often is the case when he shouts to his boys, friends, and the police "Get her! Man, that bitch crazy!" I'm not saying every woman is insane. Often times she isnt though. Its not her fault, all she did was love and care for someone who constantly let her down or gave her the world only to snatch it from beneath her. You sir, caused this on your own. There are certain things you don't say/do to get what you want. Especially if you can't or have no plans to deliver on it. This causes a woman to lose it or be "crazy" as you put it in most situations. Sometimes though, the bitch really is just crazy lol
     At any rate I just wanted some clarification to be had, simply because I'm tired of good guys getting bad raps from women based on unfair generalization. This blog is for women single or in a relationship, but also for dudes who may be struggling for questions as to why women act how they do or what kind of man they are. Everyone wants to be perfect for someone in one way or another. I guess the right formula has to be figured out. Be leery of your actions however, you may cause the opposite reaction of what you're looking for. It's possible for men to make their own decision of the kind of man they want to be, but if treated a certain way by a woman....he may become something else. As many of my reader may want to know, "You said you were all three at one point, which are you now?"





I guess.......you'd have to ask my girlfriend after she's read this blog. [:

Stepping Stone

All the bitching I did about worrk, finally get it, and I'm picky. So fucking what?  I'm human and I have right. I had a week to actually think about all this and it REALLY settled in today when I was filling out the paper work and reading the countless rules. I don't like cashiering. its never been my thing. I've been in charge of responsible things before, but often jobs have too much goin on with it, whereas I dont want the extra headache. Then the dress code, no boss man I don't own khakis. I'm the one nigger in the world who doesnt. Don't fucking look at me over those cheap ass glasses that way. I wanted the hotel to call back. A job I was comfortable with. Something I was confident doing. If it's one thing I also disprove of, it's uncertainty. I know life isn't about being comfortable, but its what I want. I'll deal with this until I see what Apple has to offer. Maybe during the day I can communicate with the hotel to check progress. No one is as qualified for that position as I am. It's impossible. I could run that place ragged and be promoted within a month. Safety? That could possibly be another concern. I mean fuck, I quit working as a parking attendant after 2 days when I found out the area where I was training was prone to robbery. An off duty police officer ain't enough to me. Feels like I'll be a big ass sitting duck like a gas station attendant without the glass. I should be elated, but I can't stop seeing all the negatives. Its frustrating & irritating. I hate this shit, but it's me. Hope Ikea gives me a call back too. Seems everyone who calls or emails is interested in hiring me. So I guess I gotta stop bitching and deal with it. This is MY BLOG though. The real me, how I feel. You don't like it, don't fucking read. I felt like a rant and this seemed like the best option. I want what I want and I'm entitled to be happy. I should just use this as what it is. The aforementioned title. Excuse nothing.

Don't Want

This may sound fucked up, but kids/adults don't wait for anything in life. Chances are when you obtain it you'll either be unsatisfied or miserable. Personally, I'm like 0 for 10+ with things I wanted so bad for so long, got it and was like....this is it? I'm not saying don't have hopes, dreams, goals or aspirations. I'm saying don't vehemently put your all into an object. No matter how long you've waited, I guarantee you'll be disappointed in the result. I haven't found happiness from it yet. Like I said 0/10+. Ten is a damn estimate lol. There were shoes and other clothing articles I wanted so badly, got em and its like....why? Spent all that money and time, in the end for nothing. I'm also not saying aim low for obtainable things, I'm saying reach for things that will help better you in life. Not something momentarily that will just linger around until...whenever. Saddens me also because this is the same thing that has made me not want music so many times. What if I feel the same loss? The same insignificance after I achieve it? Money didnt make me happy at the casino, so its like I have a lot working against me. I try my hardest to not get disheartened when I can't record or finish writing a song, but it takes its toll after a while. Year after year. My final thought is to leave things as they are. If you want something, that will better your future only, go for it. Anything otherwise, people or inanimate objects will always let you down. Live your life. Dont ever wonder or worry about "what could've been." Find your necessities.

Masks

 I dont like the idea of masking or hiding emotions. I can't do it, never want to learn. I've always been outspoken, wearing my heart on my sleeve and my balls on the outside. I'm not afraid of anything, with the exception of my Lord and Savior. No reactions to anything I say or do by other people can dishearten me. I don't get how people do it. Hide their true feelings, keeping secrets and living lies. They dont know that they're hurting themselves in the long run. Honesty and truth is the key to real happiness. When will people realize this? You can only be fake for so long. If you feel a certain way about something, let it out. Don't hide it and cause harm (be it physical or mental) to yourself. No one is worth that. People have different masks too, as if one isnt enough. They've owned so many for so long that I'm willing to bet they don't know what their real face is. Who the real person is. That's so depressing. I can't do it. I'm open. I've had masks in the past, they dont work. In the end you're only hiding from yourself. It's easy to get lost. I wouldn't ever fathom returning to that world, but these people are everywhere. Why are they hiding? What are they afraid of?

Clarity

I need clarity. Its like I have the feeling and vision of what I want and need, but its unattainable. Like its there but smudged. Or at least the directions to get there are smudged. So many things have occurred recently that are destined to place me back in that ever so often arising state of melancholy that occurs. Unemployment's done. Jobs turning me down, or im being held from certain jobs on purpose. Both bank accounts are somehow overdrawn, with NO money anywhere for them to be fixed. Restless, just a myriad of circumstances. I used to own mental windex, when I was cocky, arrogant and reckless. Now that im much more mature, I need a stronger formula. My music seems to suffer. I've fallen back into a slump.....again. I don't know. I need to figure all of this out. I have to have a list and plot my steps out. Fuck everyone else. Its time to be selfish. I cant keep giving to ungrateful people and getting shitted on, or wasting my time with idiotic ideas or values. I refuse to be a stepping stone or slave. I need to focus. Focus. Focus. FOCUS. Focus on myself, my goals, a plan to get me out of the hole that I'm in. As well as an extra rope to escape once I have escaped.

Progress is BEAUTIFUL!

http://www.reverbnation.com/onlyone13

Give me a rating, comment, fan, and share!

Now I need a mac or Protools and a laptop and Mic lol " )

Employment

Swear I want to smack the fuck out of any and everyone who's complaining about work. I've been out of work a year and a half, and you have the nerve to complain about your job? You smug motherfucker.  I wish I could line you all up and take 5 from you. You know how much this works on someone's personality, their mind, their life? You know what. Quit your job. Give it to me. You don't fucking deserve it (see resume/jobs blog post). Makes m sick hearing and reading it everyday. So much it makes me want to delete every social networking site I have and become a hermit. All applications for everywhere are online. Im sick and tired of that shit. Asking me 30 ways "if you would steal" or these stupid ass personality traits. Its 4 questions asked 65 times. I already hate repetition so this doesn't make it better. Then to top everything off, I heard they're looking at your credit before they hire you....you fucking kidding me?! How the fuck can.  You get ahead when they won't let you move forward. Got creditors from student loans threatening to garnish my wages...surprise surprise ion have a fucking job! Have at it! I say fuck em all. Let em make my credit rating a 0 and throw me in jail or whatever the fuck they want to do. Already hard as hell as it is. I could give a fuck less about it anymore. Because once I am working I know there'll be more issues. But to you people complaining to go or about your jobs...quit. See how much you like the fucking struggle

Privy

This detective skill sucks sometimes. The whole ignorance is bliss thing is something I wish I could endure....sometimes. you know how you can tell peoples actions by mannerisms or whatever, well since I pay attention yo detail, I have this a thousand fold. It is good always knowing things ahead of time, but sometimes.....sometimes I wish for that ignorance. Great for normal out of the the box thinking, but bad for everyday situations. If only there was a switch lol A switch to flip between knowledge and ignorance, so I could pick and choose my spots. I don't play poker, probably because I wear my emotions like my skin. Also a good/bad thing. Not knowing something won't make it go away though, no matter how much we wish for it. Id settle for that dumbledore memory eraser. Put a wand up to my head, and pull memories, info out, to store it away. Im aware of every subliminal or indirect comment. Sometimes I wish I wasn't.

Erased

 
So for the third time in my life, all of my raps and shit are gone. Is this a sign or something? My sd card stayed fucking up, but this time it was an error of my own. Before i factory reset my phone yesterday I should have exported the files. Fuck. The layout for 3 mix tapes as well as a new song i had just written were there. Now gone. Back to square one. My memory is shit so I know I wont remember it. I dont feel the same as I did that say so the feelings wont be there when I try to write it again. I hate this shit. Id say fuck technology all together and get a notebook but they're too fucking clunky! Not as easily accessible as my phone. Gonna have to save drafts. im over being pissed. Cant bitch about something of which you have no control. Its more nerve wrecking than anything. Not like Im recording soon anyhow. Sucky part about writing a song based off of the emotions you feel AT THAT TIME...you may never feel that way again. Its hard to duplicate. I honestly wouldnt ever want to feel that way again anyhow. Song or not. Huuuuuuuuuuuuuh. Guess I gotta just chalk it up and get back at it.....eventually.

Ideal

My ideal thing would be to get a job paying well and their be apartments nearby. Good neighborhood, close to a metro so candi can get back and forth to work. I don't think it really affected me until our conversation that...she's pretty much doing it all. This houseband shit isn't for me. I don't mind cooking and cleaning up...but I want to work. I see that daily its not working with us sharing a place. I tried to be optimistic, but from her other cousin not moving to the shitty diapers in the house...its not working. We'd need our own. With her gettin this raise it'd be perfect because around tax time next year she could get a vehicle. Maybe sooner if we did our money correctly. The leaking shit, the violence, the broken shit, the bugs, I can't do. Never had to deal with it never want to. Im sick of not working. I hope someone calls me back soon. Shit anywhere. Some money is better than none. It also pushes me closer to my ideal life. Preferably sometheing paying more than $8. I have a car note and insurance and shit I need to think of. I hate not being able to do nice things for my girlfriend when I want. Having to say "eh maybe next week" is dead. So used to my life of the past, I know im ready for it now. I was wreckless and irresponsible, that's why God took it all away. I've understood that for a while. Im ready to work and get back to that level or better. Im much more organized and responsible now. I can undertake anything thrown my way. Im ready to return to my ideal world.

Inference

Seems to be the best method of getting information you want. Or making your feelings or ideas known without causing uproar. May even be possible to change someones mind using these tactics. Often things happen accidentally while giving an undeserving person credit. When an inference is made, more likely than not, the person will take the credit even if they don't deserve it! You might have an idea of how you want someone to think, feel, or believe, and once you make an inference, like magic your suggestion is taken. It isn't 100% but the few times in my life I've used it or had it used on me it's worked. Could be a boss at your job, debating on who yo give a promotion. You have a conversation with the boss, make a few inferences of how much of a bad business decision and asinine someone would be to promote the other guy...and what do you know? Like you literally pretty much told your boss he'd be a dumb ass not to hire..you! Say it without saying ya feel me? These tactics are probably used by politicians often. They say something, but they mean something else. The general consensus takes it to a positive, so the politician runs with it lol Crazy shit, but I have had several situations where...shit just happened on accident. I wont lie, I always run with it lol Why give back good credit given? Even if it isn't deserved, they'll never know that. " D Some people may never have had good happen to them at all in their lives until these situations occur. Why not take advantage of it?

NICE¡!

Did another YouTube vid today...

http://tinyurl.com/th1rt3en

There's more at....

www.myspace.com/onlyone13

I don't know how to feel. There's an emptiness, I know that much. It's almost palpable. Things aren't how they were, but they aren't bad either. Never look to the past for a perception, you'll always trip over the future. Is it a child? No, I honestly don't think so. I wouldn't mind a kid right now though. I know what I always said about bringing a child in to the world in these kinds of situations but...yeah, you say a lot until you're faced with certain things. Is it school? I've debated going back for sometime and had finally come to grips that I do want to begin next year. Those ideas and their solidarity were shattered once i received a bill from my past scholastic attempts. Do I really want to be in that much MORE debt? That's not a good way to look at it, but shit, that's how I see it. I need to find out what it is missing though. Nothing is wrong, but something just doesn't seem right. Not sure if its my work situation, relationship shit, school, debts, bills, or my rhyming. God knows I'm WAY over due to record more material. I don't mean one song to listen to for a year until i record the next one either. I mean actually getting shit DONE. Can't say I haven't fathomed giving up, but I can't. I know I'm good and I know I need to be heard. When I do make it, i'll have a funny story to tell through all of this stress, pain and suffering. Like "I remember when finding a studio was the biggest hindrance." Until that time that's what I'm faced with. That, and unemployment, as well as making sure my girlfriend is happy everyday. Making everyday spent with her the best of her life. She's truly lucky to have the more mature Ryan from the asshole I was in relationships past. I can't show her that, but I'm gonna try my best to have it seen through my actions. I'm always going to put her before any/everything. Normally my blogs have a theme or topic I discuss. This is more so...not venting but, cognitive diarrhea lol. I've many huge tasks to undertake, and I am ready and willing to accept and surmount them all, if I can just be put in the area to attack them. All of this on the upcoming eve for my 26th (golden) birthday on the 26th of May. Maybe this is all just life settling in, even more so than in the past.

Communication

How hard is it to emote? Modulate how you feel and let someone who cares about you know? They've given you the green light to say whatever is on your mind, yet you can't? Or don't. I refuse its that hard to talk about your feelings. Especially when it can solve a very serious issue. Blogging is a way to release emotion and say how you feel, so how can someone not email/speak a blog to someone they supposedly care for. Especially when they see how bad it makes that person feel. I for one hate being left in the dark and wondering. I'd never do this to someone else. The last...ABSOLUTE LAST thing I would want to do is hurt, or continue to hurt someone who means a lot to me. Not being articulate is fine, I'd accept any slang or if written, any sentence fragments or misspellings. I just hate being in the dark. Its cold. Lonely. For the same loneliness I could be literally alone. I've just come from this, I don't want to go back. If you have something to say to someone....save their heart and say it. If you even truly care for their heart.

Untitled

It feels like love again, confusing and frustration
You say you'll make it different so you grow more patient/
It feels like all of the infatuation is gone
Every morning and every day there seems to be something wrong/
It feels like the past coming around again
Except this time im alone and have no friends/
It feels like im an annoyance or a problem
Rather than love and affection I feel like a bother/
It feels like I may be playing 808s real soon
Though the circumstances are different this feels to be true/
It feels weird having a relationship with no communication
Like one of us is deaf on purpose in every situation/
It feels like a lonely life is ahead of me
I promised I wouldn't try anymore after she/
But I did, twice over and I get the same feeling
Burning and pain from several scars that aren't healing/

Contradiction

Rappers do it. People in general, its a fucking pain. Never fathomed saying something and doing the opposite. How can you have set feelings about something permanently, but have a possibility of not wanting it as an idea, thought, or option. Like wanting a real tattoo, but not wanting to have something tattooed on your skin. It doesn't make sense to me. You can't feel a strong certain way about something knowing for a fact you'll hate it later. Especially when human emotions are involved. Better to just let go now then threaten someones feelings. Never been one to respond well to threats. I don't threat, I act. What's to gain from threatening? Just be truthful. Save someone from being hurt in the long run. Sucks when people act like they don't know its a major concern when you've brought it to them as such. Also Fucked up when someone says they'll work on said behavior but never do. Its not funny, nor a joke, nor is it a game.

Condescension

It falls into the same area of lying to me. Which I absolutely fuckin hate. Don't disrespect my intelligence. I hate when people are nonchalant or condescending about important matters. Then weak attempts to appease me only piss me off further. I mean to whereas I  shake uncontrollably. It bothers me THAT fucking much. That's like spitting in my fucking face! Be real, speak your fucking mind. In most cases both parties are grown. They should be able to speak to each other as such. Not playing high school games. This is about as irritating as much as when people don't listen to me. Communication is 90% of a debate or anything where a problem occurs. Both sides share their views and eventually you will arrive to a resolution. Condescending behavior doesn't a absolve one party from the issues or problems. Its a scapegoat, one of which will only become a larger problem later on. Best to talk it out and get to the root of the issue.

Repeat

I really dislike repeating myself. A pet peeve of mine also is when im in the middle of explaining something and someone says "hold on". Which is yet another reason I prefer text to talkin on the phone. If im in the middle of a story, I don't want to pause or stop. I also hate being ignored or feeling that way. Its so damn irritating, which is why I hate repeating myself to people. If I take the time to explain something to you, and not even two weeks later you ask again, you're SOL. It sucks because my family does this sometimes. I love em so I deal with it, but my tolerance isn't the same for outsiders. I think its just repetition in general. Whenever I hear stories I heard before I often cut the person off with "oh yeah, I remember you telling me that" but it doesn't work because they often continue. I guess I can't expect everyone to have a memory like mine. I know that if I perform or tour however I won't mind the repetition. I know that these are new people nightly whom haven't heard the material before. With family and friends though I guess its something ill have to get used to. As irri-fucking-tating as it is.

Insignificant

Unless I'm rapping, I never feel like I'm that big of a deal. Maybe that's why I never have/throw parties and things like that. My self esteem sorta be shit sometimes. I put up a good front, but I be hurting when I have parties or events that no one can make it to, but when they throw something I'm always there. Don't feel like im important enough to have that much attention centered around me. Its upsetting, but there isn't much if anything I can do about it. Had a going away party, and granted the main important people made it, a lot of others I cared about didn't make it. So its like....why try? I'm supposed to be having another soon when I go back to Indiana to get my car. I kinda just wanna bow out and leave. I don't think my heart can handle the embarrassment and hurt. My girlfriend asked me what I wanted to do for my 26th birthday, which happens to be my golden birthday since I was born may 26th, and I got nothing. I'm really not that big of a deal so I guess it isn't important. I'd go home but, again, for what? This also falls I to the category of me hating that no one listens to me. I make a comment or statement and its as if I don't exist. I can't stand that. I feel like I'm always wasting my time when I offer a suggestion. But When it comes to something that people know I'm good for they flock to me. Man fuck you and your computers, cables, wires, video games etc. From now on I don't know shit! So tired of being used. And im also tired of being used by app who I've helped convalesce. You were around day in and out of your sickness, soon as you're better...poof. not one person in particular, but two I know for sure. Its my fault for being kind to every fucking body.

My Thoughts

My brain is the strongest device in my body, and often it works against me. Things may seem one way but in reality are completely different. I can't see it though. I cant take anything for what it truly is. There always HAS to be some underlying circumstance. My brain often sabotages many things in my life. Because I see something for what it is, but I always have the tendency to over analyze for the worst. I said in an old blog on myspace, that when im sad....the worst place in the world I can be stuck is alone with my thoughts. They ALWAYS eat me alive. No truer words have ever been spoken. Its like I never want to under think, because often that's when I am taken advantage of. There's no middle ground. All I can do is over think. Im greatful when the thoughts are correct, but more often im embarassed and disappointed when I've over thought something. I don't know why or how I let my thoughts take over but they do. Its very painful. They cause this paranoia I cannot contain. Its a frustrating deal. I hide a lot more than I let people know. Particularly because I've never been someone who dies for attention, or wants the world's pity for their problems. I just wish I could contoll it, before I fuck up more good things in my future. My problems are mine, and as tough as they are I MUST find a way to conquer them.

Intolerance

I've a low tolerance for bullshit and bullshitters. One chance with me. You fuck up that's it. If I honestly care about you or give a fuck, ill work with it, or work it out. If not, its nothing to next. This amazes some people with how short and impatient I am. I don't like my time wasted. Period. If I'm on the phone with someone, customer service anything, and your responses are leading in the direction that you can't help or solve my problem, I hang up. What's the purpose of me wasting time listening to what I already know? A couple bullshit "sorry's" and an I can't help you? Fuck that. This is me. This is how I am. Impatient? Fucking right I am. The very definition of the word. Also I'm not one to tolerate garbage. Keep your shit as yours, don't bring it by me. Same goes for people whom I haven't heard from in a long time, but now out of the blue you need a favor or have a question. Fuck that shit. Not sure what got to me at such a young age to whereas I am how I am, but this is one of my flaws that I don't mind whatsoever. When you're cut off THAT'S IT! Once a bullshitter, always.

Judgement

Because of judgment I OFTEN feel as if I haven't a soul in the world to talk to. If not for the person or situation I'm having an issue with, then of myself for allowing it. Personally, I hate "I told you so'ers", or those who are quick to arrive at a conclusion for my issues without hearing me out first. And to avoid it, I often hold off. Friends, family and otherwise. Sad shit, I have many people I can talk to or confide in, but I don't want them looking negatively at any situation I deal with. I don't know. I suppose this falls into my same blog a out feeling stuck (stuck blog). Having some/anyone to talk to is a rare thing for me. My ex chastised me frequently for discussing any issues with anyone. Not just for things about us. I look back and I was doing the most. So I often think, am I doing too much (privacy blog)? Yet another reason I'm in this box so to speak. My moods and opinions are ever changing and I don't want someone close to me to have a definite or set opinion on anything I tell them. So who else better to have discussions with but yourself? It's funny how with some of my blogs I try to come to a solution or resolution, not here. Really don't know where to go with it, but myself. I don't want to be irritated by false judgment of others, nor do I want their opinions swayed. Come to think of it, why the fuck does almost everyone I know have such an easily swayed opinion? I just realized it and don't like that shit. And now I truly haven't a soul in the world to talk to. Just recently I found out people whom I thought I could confide in have changed. I honestly know I wouldn't want their opinion. Its just me left to figure out.....everything.

Done.

Had my final encounter with that bitch ass nigga, God showed me the right way, and I'm thankful for it. Woofin, barkin, and as TI put it "tongue wrasslin" doesn't phase me. I'm a new man. A smarter man. It takes violence to move a leader. I'm to smart to even waste energy on bullshit. That shit is shit and was flushed years ago. Been down that road and ain't shit there at the end. Already Home? I've been transcendent for 2 years. As I asked when he approached me "you still on that bullshit?", unto wit he replied.."yeah i hate you nigga!" If you hate me so much...why stand and talk shit...GET CLOSE and talk shit. Punch me. Real niggas don't speak. Thats why I didnt budge. I didn't need my fam to budge either. I wanted them to hold back cuz i wanted to see what this dude was REALLY about, but I already knew...nothing. Aint NO nigga finna hoe me. Talk all shit you want. Lay hands, its a different situation. Over done and gone. No worries or complaints. A final test of sorts which I passed with no issue. I see 10 steps ahead in any situation or scheme. It shall not pass or come to fruition. Faith and intelligence held me down and I am grateful for both. God's shown me the light when the Devil caught a hold of my first mind.....which I ALWAYS follow. Nah, I'm good and cool on bullshit. Im a grown man, with a new family soon to take care of, I've no time or strength for childish behavior. My sanity has me in that area with death as the only option. Yet another reason I try to remain cool. Killing this cat would be the only way to shut him the fuck up. I have control over my carnal instincts however. I rest now. No more will/shall ever be spoken if this night. Plus, pretty good for someone who isn't famous yet. When I DO make it...niggas gonna HATE tryina rile me up so I can hit em and catch a charge lmao

Spaz

I gotta work on not spazzing out every time something amazes me. Its like a default on me. I'm so used to japping out and I haven't had much experience in being calm. Its just a natural reaction. I can't help it. Even trying to take breaths and taking time to calm down doesn't help. It only makes me angrier.Can't be totally mad at things in life when its partly your fault. The assume addage comes into play here. Also does common sense. Guaranteed had I known the full terms none of this would have been agreed upon. Double standard, im not one for it. Its unfair as shit. Im sure somewhere someone's happy about my plight. None of the previous plans/ideas are coming in to fruition. I already wasn't comfortable with it before. Definitely not now. Makes me wonder if all the terms were thought to be same. I gotta control my anger, but its tough. I don't wanna mess up good things in the future, by being stubborn with my past. Its like I don't know how to approach things the right way. I react entirely off anger. I suck at faking emotions also. You can 20 times out of 5 tell when im pissed about something. Its a growing process. One I should have started a long time ago. No use in bitching about it now however. Gotta get a start somewhere....

Privacy

I see now how she felt. Exposed and embarrassed. Feels as if you're being broken apart when its breached. Privacy is supposed to be private. I see and understand however. Whole lot of bugs to be worked out before normalcy is here. I knew it wasn't gonna be 100% forever. That's why I'm taking everything step by step. What happens in a private setting should remain such. We're all adults here. No need for childish antics or games. Those comments were HIGHLY unnecessary for the public. There's no taking it back and a "sorry" won't cover it. Privacy should be such. I completely get how she used to feel when I went to every outside source and gum/finger flapped about shit between us. Meh, another reason I'm not so upset is, I know almost everything I've done in my life is on its way back. Fuck it. Come all at once or one at a time. I'm much more mature and prepared. Privacy lines need to be discussed however to prevent further problems and/or issues. Truth is, some people don't think before they act. I've been down that road, and I'm not going back.

Stuck

I hate the feeling. Being somewhere, or in a situation that you don't want to be, with no exit. Its one of the most frustrating things in the world. You just wanna yell or flip out, but that doesn't solve shit. So you're stuck. What sucks more is I've no patience so it REALLY sucks. Sometimes it's monetary, other times emotionally, but I know everyone has felt this way before. Its physically sickening, be it headaches or otherwise, it's painful. You have to just sit and take it. It being whatever situation has arisen. This is moreso a rant than a blog posting. Im currently in the situation of not being in a comfotable living area. Once we're in the house in april it will all be for the better. Currently the weather, and people's overall laziness are what's preventing us right now. With no way around it, we're stuck. Unless my music or the lottery kicks in soon....then we'll be right here...."/

Alien

What the fuck is it with me? If not me, what the fuck is it with people? When I've had woes in relationships or things that seem clear cut, common sense to me, are often greek to the significant other. Some shits just cut and dry, well in my eyes its cut and dry. I ALWAYS have a problem with the other halves about things that seem crystal clear to me. Never to any rebuttal of good reasoning, or any reasoning at all. I feel as if I'm an alien. Im the only one who understands. I don't like the feeling. It's never boded well. EVER. In the past I tried rationalizing and chalking it up to being raised in different areas. What's commonplace to me could be unfathomable to someone else. However, this theory is quickly proved asinine when over used. I just don't get it. Something clear and conscise to me isn't clear all around the board. It's one of the most aggrivating things ever. My heart physically hurts right now. I can't explain or understand something so simple.

"Friendship"

I know me. I know that I can't handle it. Even though we talked, the shit still bothers me. I'm not going anywhere, so there's no issue there. However this freindship has got to go. I can't deal with it. I know how I get. I don't want this to be an issue later, but I  also know how I'll end up reacting. I don't like it, it MUST end. I could understand if both parties were on the same page, but one isn't. It isn't your family anymore, mind your life and go forward. Because I swear, promise and guarantee, you don't wanna go backward while I'm around. This relationship shit is hard. Sad as it is this is probably the first REAL one I've been in. The sacrifices I make and what not are of a higher magnitude than I've ever had before. I love her, so I'm going to react for her. Which is difficult because I'm so used to reacting for myself. Inital response for anything I don't give a fuck about is ASSHOLE. I can't be fake though, and I won't pretend anything for anyone. I won't let my mind take over and stir, but I won't ignore my thoughts either. First minds always often correct. I don't want   it around at fucking all

Fake Christians & Church †

I've always hated fake Christians. People who ask you to praise the Lord and are holy as fuck one minute, then the next, tell you you're the devil and going to hell when you piss them off. Why play with God like that? You can quote several scriptures off the top of your head...but do you really know/feel what they mean? That's also like people who say "oh I don't smoke weed, drink, curse, or have sex on Sunday's......that's the Lord's day." You think God likes you playing with him? Be how you are everyday, all day, that's what he wants. The REAL! I've had people tell me I'm goin to hell because I don't go to church, when in all actuality God was pissed with the church when he saw it'd become something different from his vision (check your bibles again people). Same reason I hate goin to church because of hypocrites and shit. Taking collection 9 times throughout the service, empty ass messages, more singing than praise. I'm cool on that. Don't shoot me down about being sacrilegious. I KNOW Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. So don't say my contempt for fake Christians comes from not having faith of my own. Or not living my life in a way which would upset God. Now I won't release the name of the person who left me the above email, and text, but this is someone whom I THOUGHT was a true person of God. I had no ideas or suspicions to think any other way. That shit came from left field after I said "either we can be friends or nothing". I was nothing but genuine and honest with this woman too. From the beginning, informing her that I am not interested in having or beginning a relationship. Yet and still she took more and more steps ahead without checking in with me first. Now that we no longer talk, attacks against my manhood are posted all over the internet, which i don't care about. Talk about me loving porn, but you enjoyed many "ungodly" sexual acts with me. Threatening me with God, that's not what he wants. You of all people should understand and know that that isn't how he wants his word spread...through fear. You all know how I feel about subliminal messages. I didn't send the blog right away, because i wanted time to pass. I didn't wanna go in on this subject until the anger had subsided. I don't apologize for anything I have did/done and I don't look back on my life. People get one chance with me. You fuck that up, that's on you. I even gave this person an opportunity of friendship. An opportunity to let this go and move on from here. No. Attacks were made against me, my religious beliefs questions and unfair assumptions were made. This person further helped me see into and understand "deeply" religious people or so called Christians and their true methods. I'm done speaking on this subject. Seriously.

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Comedy

^^now THAT'S SWAG!!^^

I don't try to be funny. Not nearly! I just genuinely am. Always been told I should've been a comedian. Used to think it was bullshit from chicks to get in my pants, but when I started laughin at my own shit I knew I was on to something lol I hurt feelings sometimes yes, don't give a fuck though personally, but you people know that already " ). I honestly can't pass up a good moment. If someone says/does some stupid shit I'm gonna go in on em. Partly has to be my avid love for cartoons. As well as my uncles (The Three Stooges). Pretty much all that my dvr is chocked full with. Comedic shows or cartoons. I LOVE IT! There was only one time in my life where I was set up beautifully and I didn't go for it. While I worked concerts @ the casino in 2008, Raz B and some dude walked up to me and asked me where the bathroom was. I told him, but also wanted to say....with the straightest face "hey man........I'm sorry about your asshole". The only thing that stopped me, I had my badge on with my name on it, and he seemed like the type to inform one of my superiors lol I can't explain why, I mean who doesn't like to laugh? My friend Ashleigh is a walking fuckin comic box. She doesn't try either! Upon me telling her I had a girlfriend she said...and I quote "well shit on me sideways and hide the toilet paper" lmmfao! I cry when I laugh too hard. My ribs sometimes hurt, chest full of pain...but I enjoy it " ). The same way I enjoy bringing comedy to people. I supposed that's where my randomess comes from? Because if you don't know me, ask anyone, I say/do off the wall shit. Sometimes it's just what I feel, or what feels like the right thing to do at the time. If people star @ me in public...why not give them a show? lol While in MD eating a restaurant, these 2 older ladies kept eyeballin me and my girlfriend...so...I gave her the nastiest porno kiss ever (complete with tongue) and they were disgusted but WE were amused! lol There's another side to the coin however, with people who aren't funny. People who try too hard to be funny and end up annoying (that one atlanta based comedian on twitter for example). Also people who instead of allow their feelings or emotions to be read, they joke or send subliminal messages, or make inferances. When its clearly known "a lot of truth is said in jest". That's the only kind of comedy I don't tolerate.

Compassion

I'm a simple guy, not in mind, but spirit. Yeah I'm an asshole, but for those I do care for I care for them greatly. I wanna say its my personality, but people who don't know me AT ALL have deep feelings for me and I often wonder.....what is it about me that causes that? People, animals, babies, something in me attracts all to me. You know how many say "I got people who I don't know hating me"? Well I have that, but I also have people I don't know who Love me. I'm not knocking, I'm just curious as to what about me causes it. I plan on moving to MD soon, and I know my family and friends will miss me....but animals? Just left my mom's friends house, and the dogs (stormy and candi) hopped on me like I was a long lost friend. I hadn't seen them since early December. Even their pet parrot Pat was excited to see me and waved his wings at me when I waved at him. My friend tivi, her dog Sampson, first time meeting me, fell in love with me. She said he wasn't real good with testosterone, but S Dot is my little G! When I went to MD, my girlfriends baby cousin kayla, 8 mos, fell in love with me after first meeting. She was crying hysterically, no one, not even the parents, could quiet her. I picked her up and she was silent. This isn't the first time this has happened with babies either. What is it about me? This is however the proverbial gift/curse scenario, because in my past I've accidentally lead people on by not doing anything! Granted I'm sure you've read my affection blog [see it here], but sometimes I HONESTLY do nothing and people get feelings. Before kissing, before sex, before even meeting me! What is it in me that attracts people to me period. I used to talk about how bad of a person I am, still feel this way at times, but it boggles my mind how much I am accepted by ALL. It sometimes borders on stalkerish behavior and scares me too. Especially since I has aspirations to being famous and I gotta handle situations like this BEFORE I have security and body guards lol I don't know, i just wanna know what is it about me that so great?

Family

That like a lifeitme bond. Nothing should ever come before it. Solidarity, a fellowship stronger than anything. Too many times however I've run across just the opposite. Families split up or down the middle over lies and jealousy and other bullshit. Family is supposed to be FOREVER, you know? Who could you love or trust more than your blood? Why is it that there are snakes in families trying to get over on their own family? What's with the poison injected into kids heads when they are born to "stay away from that aunt, uncle, cousin, etc."? I speak not from the outside, but from within. I admit, both sides of my family (maternal, paternal) are jacked up. Because some people are selfish, greedy, or can't let go of the past. Families are supposed to be strong willed, bound together to do anything for each other. I haven't seen much of that anywhere, except my immediate family. Spoiled kids often bore more drama into families than necessary. When elders die, the glue of the damily so to speak, the family weakens and more greed is shown. Who gets what land, posessions, money, its fucking disgusting and terrible. Members of families not willing to sacrifice time to help another family member for a short period of time. Its pathetic. There are millions of people in the world, who would do for a complete stranger on the street than someone with their own last name and that's frightening. Luckily, and sadly, my immediate family can block out all of the negativity and remain a unit. I say sadly because it is truly disheartening when you have to block your your family to protect and preserve your immediate family. We haven't always been secluded, we've tried to mend and correction relationships and issues with the extended family, but we were often drawn into "sides". Like a retarded ass gang or some dumb shit. With it being so far gone, we just decided to remain together and not let any of it concern us, even though deeply it hurts everday.

Her

So many different things about her. Feelings I get, feelings I don't get. I smile when she smiles at me and when she kisses me. I don't feel any bullshit when she says she misses me. It gives me chills, chills I haven't had in a long time. I love it, this great feeling of mine. Not my intention to rhyme, but its something that she does to me. I don't feel sappy when she asks if she's buggin me. Sure she's said some things that I have heard in the past and recently, but I feel her sincerity and I believe her ass " ). Normally when other bitches flirt I get the urge to go for it, I always have. When im with her I just look at them an laugh. Shrug it off and keep moving cuz I love how she makes me feel. Im feeling like I finally have something real. Its been a long time coming, I been tired of random fucking, all these different girls now I've finally found a WOMAN. It's crazy because daily.....I find myself doing more and more things for her on my own, that I had to be told and/or reminded of in the past. Without thought I sacrifice what I like/love to please her. Her happiness means the world to me. Like it sounds sappy & cliche, but her happy makes ME happy. The feeling she brings me to me with everything she does is indescribable. Its early, but I know that I DO love her." )


And contrary to my thoughts from a past blog...She IS the red pill, and imma OD on the perscription " ) 

Bad Kids

I love kids #nopleasurep. Really, I do love em, but I HATE bad ass kids. Especially when they don't belong to anyone I know so I can smack the fuck out of them! This little boy out here in MD, gotta be like 5 or 6, and I wanted to steal 5 from him more than 10 times. Smart ass mouth, hard headed & just all out bad. Make me wanna kick the shit out of him, or Bernie Mac him (hit em in the throat or the stomach). I've noticed the actions of the parent tho. Always pushin em away and shruggin em off. SHEEEIT! My kids will know of my craziness early, so they're gonna be well behaved. I wasn't a bad kid so I know Imma take care of shit. And don't get me started on kids who fall out in stores...sheeit. I'd ask a parent, you want me to fuck em up for you? I don't get embarassed so I'm not worried about it in that aspect. Just that my kid showing out flippin on the floor in public does reflect me...and I will fuck em up for it. My ass used to slap myself when I didn't get my way or get shit. One day I did in the mall, Ma Dukes ROCKED my ass...I never smacked myself again lol. Some people say that violence isn't the way to discipline kids. I agree, not ALL the time. Sometimes kids are so far gone that you gotta lay in that ass. In closing however, women have often seen my relationship with kids and known/said that I'm going to be a great father...and I KNOW that I am. " ) My father was the dopest to me and gave me the formula, granted the ingredients and recipe will change with age, but it will only get better.

Royal Jerome Hutson will be a little gentleman.