Insignificant

Unless I'm rapping, I never feel like I'm that big of a deal. Maybe that's why I never have/throw parties and things like that. My self esteem sorta be shit sometimes. I put up a good front, but I be hurting when I have parties or events that no one can make it to, but when they throw something I'm always there. Don't feel like im important enough to have that much attention centered around me. Its upsetting, but there isn't much if anything I can do about it. Had a going away party, and granted the main important people made it, a lot of others I cared about didn't make it. So its like....why try? I'm supposed to be having another soon when I go back to Indiana to get my car. I kinda just wanna bow out and leave. I don't think my heart can handle the embarrassment and hurt. My girlfriend asked me what I wanted to do for my 26th birthday, which happens to be my golden birthday since I was born may 26th, and I got nothing. I'm really not that big of a deal so I guess it isn't important. I'd go home but, again, for what? This also falls I to the category of me hating that no one listens to me. I make a comment or statement and its as if I don't exist. I can't stand that. I feel like I'm always wasting my time when I offer a suggestion. But When it comes to something that people know I'm good for they flock to me. Man fuck you and your computers, cables, wires, video games etc. From now on I don't know shit! So tired of being used. And im also tired of being used by app who I've helped convalesce. You were around day in and out of your sickness, soon as you're better...poof. not one person in particular, but two I know for sure. Its my fault for being kind to every fucking body.