Sunday, December 19, 2010


Real Love leaves no room for inference
Real Love leaves no room for doubt
Real Love leaves no room for question
Real Love doesn't care about clout
Real Love brings joy instead of pain
Real Love means they care
Real Love blossoms not wilts
Real Love is a high I never want to come down from
Don't shake my tree.

Friday, December 17, 2010

Happiness is still elusive to me
No matter what choices I make or decisions I see
I forever pick the wrong one always outdone
By hatred & jealousy from people who're always on one
I just try to be peace like Ree said
But every time I close my eyes I can see red
And they test cuz they think its all gravy
Smoother than velvet or softer than a baby
It hurts hard when you relinquish trust
and its pummeled, spat on and tossed in the dust
Why plot on the inside? 
Supposed to be a unit but there's always a divide
Is this really what your life has brought you?
Lonely because you close off the world in your cubicle
Give em all that they want and more till you're sore
Still ending up short cuz you seem to be a bore
Then it changes so quick
The synapses in my brain can't move that quick
You mean to tell me the monetary change
Makes for a new life and anger is estranged?
That act is deranged you passed all the bullshit
Grown as fuck so now you guess you gotta pull it
Back to the old days being what it was
But smarter for the ware and much deeper in love
Give it all away like Jesus asked us
Maybe then we can understand the sad stuff
 
Better.

Friday, December 10, 2010

12/9 Thoughts and Reflections (Spaz pt. 2)

   I decided to begin to write more freely. Granted my blog initially started from anger, but after a while it formed into a way for me to express myself free from judgment. Then it became something that was used against me. In the sense that...EVERYTHING I wrote was mistaken to be directed to an individual, which caused me to shelter and censor my blogs. No way for the mind to work. Especially not my mind. With that I wanted to talk a little about a realization I had today. The down side to me being a laughy, joke cracking person is that people don't take me seriously or always think I'm a joke. Soft or weak even, couldn't be more inaccurate. This probably adds to that thing I hate where I speak and someone cuts me off or no ones listens. 10/10 I'm right though. Then they end up looking like a fucking idiot. Im not that much of an asshole to laugh in their faces about it. Not anymore anyways. I just sit back and enoy the car wreck. As it happens again, and again, and again. I've unbelievable anger issues too. My God, if any of my thoughts were spit from the mouth, raw as their creation, sheesh. Even though I can control my mouth, I'm just glad there's no crime against thoughts.

   I wish I didn't have to spaz(insert link) to show how I can be. I mean, I am an adult after all. NOT hauling off and smacking or punching people is what has kept me out of jail most of my life. That and mother wit. I'm very unstable, you wont find many people who will admit to this or who do admit to it but say so for dramatic effect. I mean it in no joking manner or just something to say. I fucking mean it. I've been through so much shit in my life physically but mainly emotionally that has me at the edge. I don't know what will be the catalyst, I just hope I can snap and get it over with before my children are born. I don't want this for them or for them to ever have to see this side of their father. Or to have me ever unleash it on them. As I said in a previous blog maybe I do over think things often, but my mind(insert link) is a motherfucker. I also hate that I'm privy (insert link) to many things. I don't know if people don't care and choose not to hide shit. That they're that bold to do shit in your face to see a reaction. Or if they're that careless and stupid. Either way, I can't sit idly and be poked at like I won't jap the fuck out. All it takes is that one time to show and prove. In my case however that one time IS the end all be all. I don't ever hope to unleash it. But I'm tested. Oh boy am I tested. I get people doing shit that others have been hospitalized for less. Disrespect in my face, blatant comments and actions. Like a cattle prod and a fucking bull. I'd try meditation, but I lack patience. I need instant gratification. Instant relief, and fucking whomever up is the only recourse I honestly have. Nope, I suck it all in and smile. Act oblivious. I know its making it worse, but what other choice do I have? I mentioned today on my twitter how I deal with so much bullshit and cuntfuckery daily that it's probably good that I never won the lottery or fell into a large sum of money. I'd disappear faster than anyone could fathom lol I joked the other day with a friend about their being a vacation spot away from life, besides jail, unemployment, and suicide lol Just somewhere to rest from EVERYTHING. Unemployed doesn't work because then all you can do is stress about not having money. Well I would/did/do for that matter. For maybe a month or so. Doubt I'd be fully healed, but I may be rested enough to handle al the extra shit bags and smiles I'm dealt. Does no good talking to people or the problems directly either. More issues and stress ALWAYS come from that. Got to be leery of helping hands people. No such thing. People either want to be nosy, patronize, or add on. Sex helps my sanity though....but i'll save that blog everyone has been waiting for for later.