Communication

How hard is it to emote? Modulate how you feel and let someone who cares about you know? They've given you the green light to say whatever is on your mind, yet you can't? Or don't. I refuse its that hard to talk about your feelings. Especially when it can solve a very serious issue. Blogging is a way to release emotion and say how you feel, so how can someone not email/speak a blog to someone they supposedly care for. Especially when they see how bad it makes that person feel. I for one hate being left in the dark and wondering. I'd never do this to someone else. The last...ABSOLUTE LAST thing I would want to do is hurt, or continue to hurt someone who means a lot to me. Not being articulate is fine, I'd accept any slang or if written, any sentence fragments or misspellings. I just hate being in the dark. Its cold. Lonely. For the same loneliness I could be literally alone. I've just come from this, I don't want to go back. If you have something to say to someone....save their heart and say it. If you even truly care for their heart.

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It feels like love again, confusing and frustration
You say you'll make it different so you grow more patient/
It feels like all of the infatuation is gone
Every morning and every day there seems to be something wrong/
It feels like the past coming around again
Except this time im alone and have no friends/
It feels like im an annoyance or a problem
Rather than love and affection I feel like a bother/
It feels like I may be playing 808s real soon
Though the circumstances are different this feels to be true/
It feels weird having a relationship with no communication
Like one of us is deaf on purpose in every situation/
It feels like a lonely life is ahead of me
I promised I wouldn't try anymore after she/
But I did, twice over and I get the same feeling
Burning and pain from several scars that aren't healing/

Contradiction

Rappers do it. People in general, its a fucking pain. Never fathomed saying something and doing the opposite. How can you have set feelings about something permanently, but have a possibility of not wanting it as an idea, thought, or option. Like wanting a real tattoo, but not wanting to have something tattooed on your skin. It doesn't make sense to me. You can't feel a strong certain way about something knowing for a fact you'll hate it later. Especially when human emotions are involved. Better to just let go now then threaten someones feelings. Never been one to respond well to threats. I don't threat, I act. What's to gain from threatening? Just be truthful. Save someone from being hurt in the long run. Sucks when people act like they don't know its a major concern when you've brought it to them as such. Also Fucked up when someone says they'll work on said behavior but never do. Its not funny, nor a joke, nor is it a game.

Condescension

It falls into the same area of lying to me. Which I absolutely fuckin hate. Don't disrespect my intelligence. I hate when people are nonchalant or condescending about important matters. Then weak attempts to appease me only piss me off further. I mean to whereas I  shake uncontrollably. It bothers me THAT fucking much. That's like spitting in my fucking face! Be real, speak your fucking mind. In most cases both parties are grown. They should be able to speak to each other as such. Not playing high school games. This is about as irritating as much as when people don't listen to me. Communication is 90% of a debate or anything where a problem occurs. Both sides share their views and eventually you will arrive to a resolution. Condescending behavior doesn't a absolve one party from the issues or problems. Its a scapegoat, one of which will only become a larger problem later on. Best to talk it out and get to the root of the issue.

Repeat

I really dislike repeating myself. A pet peeve of mine also is when im in the middle of explaining something and someone says "hold on". Which is yet another reason I prefer text to talkin on the phone. If im in the middle of a story, I don't want to pause or stop. I also hate being ignored or feeling that way. Its so damn irritating, which is why I hate repeating myself to people. If I take the time to explain something to you, and not even two weeks later you ask again, you're SOL. It sucks because my family does this sometimes. I love em so I deal with it, but my tolerance isn't the same for outsiders. I think its just repetition in general. Whenever I hear stories I heard before I often cut the person off with "oh yeah, I remember you telling me that" but it doesn't work because they often continue. I guess I can't expect everyone to have a memory like mine. I know that if I perform or tour however I won't mind the repetition. I know that these are new people nightly whom haven't heard the material before. With family and friends though I guess its something ill have to get used to. As irri-fucking-tating as it is.

Insignificant

Unless I'm rapping, I never feel like I'm that big of a deal. Maybe that's why I never have/throw parties and things like that. My self esteem sorta be shit sometimes. I put up a good front, but I be hurting when I have parties or events that no one can make it to, but when they throw something I'm always there. Don't feel like im important enough to have that much attention centered around me. Its upsetting, but there isn't much if anything I can do about it. Had a going away party, and granted the main important people made it, a lot of others I cared about didn't make it. So its like....why try? I'm supposed to be having another soon when I go back to Indiana to get my car. I kinda just wanna bow out and leave. I don't think my heart can handle the embarrassment and hurt. My girlfriend asked me what I wanted to do for my 26th birthday, which happens to be my golden birthday since I was born may 26th, and I got nothing. I'm really not that big of a deal so I guess it isn't important. I'd go home but, again, for what? This also falls I to the category of me hating that no one listens to me. I make a comment or statement and its as if I don't exist. I can't stand that. I feel like I'm always wasting my time when I offer a suggestion. But When it comes to something that people know I'm good for they flock to me. Man fuck you and your computers, cables, wires, video games etc. From now on I don't know shit! So tired of being used. And im also tired of being used by app who I've helped convalesce. You were around day in and out of your sickness, soon as you're better...poof. not one person in particular, but two I know for sure. Its my fault for being kind to every fucking body.

My Thoughts

My brain is the strongest device in my body, and often it works against me. Things may seem one way but in reality are completely different. I can't see it though. I cant take anything for what it truly is. There always HAS to be some underlying circumstance. My brain often sabotages many things in my life. Because I see something for what it is, but I always have the tendency to over analyze for the worst. I said in an old blog on myspace, that when im sad....the worst place in the world I can be stuck is alone with my thoughts. They ALWAYS eat me alive. No truer words have ever been spoken. Its like I never want to under think, because often that's when I am taken advantage of. There's no middle ground. All I can do is over think. Im greatful when the thoughts are correct, but more often im embarassed and disappointed when I've over thought something. I don't know why or how I let my thoughts take over but they do. Its very painful. They cause this paranoia I cannot contain. Its a frustrating deal. I hide a lot more than I let people know. Particularly because I've never been someone who dies for attention, or wants the world's pity for their problems. I just wish I could contoll it, before I fuck up more good things in my future. My problems are mine, and as tough as they are I MUST find a way to conquer them.

Intolerance

I've a low tolerance for bullshit and bullshitters. One chance with me. You fuck up that's it. If I honestly care about you or give a fuck, ill work with it, or work it out. If not, its nothing to next. This amazes some people with how short and impatient I am. I don't like my time wasted. Period. If I'm on the phone with someone, customer service anything, and your responses are leading in the direction that you can't help or solve my problem, I hang up. What's the purpose of me wasting time listening to what I already know? A couple bullshit "sorry's" and an I can't help you? Fuck that. This is me. This is how I am. Impatient? Fucking right I am. The very definition of the word. Also I'm not one to tolerate garbage. Keep your shit as yours, don't bring it by me. Same goes for people whom I haven't heard from in a long time, but now out of the blue you need a favor or have a question. Fuck that shit. Not sure what got to me at such a young age to whereas I am how I am, but this is one of my flaws that I don't mind whatsoever. When you're cut off THAT'S IT! Once a bullshitter, always.