NICE¡!

Did another YouTube vid today...

http://tinyurl.com/th1rt3en

There's more at....

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I don't know how to feel. There's an emptiness, I know that much. It's almost palpable. Things aren't how they were, but they aren't bad either. Never look to the past for a perception, you'll always trip over the future. Is it a child? No, I honestly don't think so. I wouldn't mind a kid right now though. I know what I always said about bringing a child in to the world in these kinds of situations but...yeah, you say a lot until you're faced with certain things. Is it school? I've debated going back for sometime and had finally come to grips that I do want to begin next year. Those ideas and their solidarity were shattered once i received a bill from my past scholastic attempts. Do I really want to be in that much MORE debt? That's not a good way to look at it, but shit, that's how I see it. I need to find out what it is missing though. Nothing is wrong, but something just doesn't seem right. Not sure if its my work situation, relationship shit, school, debts, bills, or my rhyming. God knows I'm WAY over due to record more material. I don't mean one song to listen to for a year until i record the next one either. I mean actually getting shit DONE. Can't say I haven't fathomed giving up, but I can't. I know I'm good and I know I need to be heard. When I do make it, i'll have a funny story to tell through all of this stress, pain and suffering. Like "I remember when finding a studio was the biggest hindrance." Until that time that's what I'm faced with. That, and unemployment, as well as making sure my girlfriend is happy everyday. Making everyday spent with her the best of her life. She's truly lucky to have the more mature Ryan from the asshole I was in relationships past. I can't show her that, but I'm gonna try my best to have it seen through my actions. I'm always going to put her before any/everything. Normally my blogs have a theme or topic I discuss. This is more so...not venting but, cognitive diarrhea lol. I've many huge tasks to undertake, and I am ready and willing to accept and surmount them all, if I can just be put in the area to attack them. All of this on the upcoming eve for my 26th (golden) birthday on the 26th of May. Maybe this is all just life settling in, even more so than in the past.

Communication

How hard is it to emote? Modulate how you feel and let someone who cares about you know? They've given you the green light to say whatever is on your mind, yet you can't? Or don't. I refuse its that hard to talk about your feelings. Especially when it can solve a very serious issue. Blogging is a way to release emotion and say how you feel, so how can someone not email/speak a blog to someone they supposedly care for. Especially when they see how bad it makes that person feel. I for one hate being left in the dark and wondering. I'd never do this to someone else. The last...ABSOLUTE LAST thing I would want to do is hurt, or continue to hurt someone who means a lot to me. Not being articulate is fine, I'd accept any slang or if written, any sentence fragments or misspellings. I just hate being in the dark. Its cold. Lonely. For the same loneliness I could be literally alone. I've just come from this, I don't want to go back. If you have something to say to someone....save their heart and say it. If you even truly care for their heart.

Untitled

It feels like love again, confusing and frustration
You say you'll make it different so you grow more patient/
It feels like all of the infatuation is gone
Every morning and every day there seems to be something wrong/
It feels like the past coming around again
Except this time im alone and have no friends/
It feels like im an annoyance or a problem
Rather than love and affection I feel like a bother/
It feels like I may be playing 808s real soon
Though the circumstances are different this feels to be true/
It feels weird having a relationship with no communication
Like one of us is deaf on purpose in every situation/
It feels like a lonely life is ahead of me
I promised I wouldn't try anymore after she/
But I did, twice over and I get the same feeling
Burning and pain from several scars that aren't healing/

Contradiction

Rappers do it. People in general, its a fucking pain. Never fathomed saying something and doing the opposite. How can you have set feelings about something permanently, but have a possibility of not wanting it as an idea, thought, or option. Like wanting a real tattoo, but not wanting to have something tattooed on your skin. It doesn't make sense to me. You can't feel a strong certain way about something knowing for a fact you'll hate it later. Especially when human emotions are involved. Better to just let go now then threaten someones feelings. Never been one to respond well to threats. I don't threat, I act. What's to gain from threatening? Just be truthful. Save someone from being hurt in the long run. Sucks when people act like they don't know its a major concern when you've brought it to them as such. Also Fucked up when someone says they'll work on said behavior but never do. Its not funny, nor a joke, nor is it a game.

Condescension

It falls into the same area of lying to me. Which I absolutely fuckin hate. Don't disrespect my intelligence. I hate when people are nonchalant or condescending about important matters. Then weak attempts to appease me only piss me off further. I mean to whereas I  shake uncontrollably. It bothers me THAT fucking much. That's like spitting in my fucking face! Be real, speak your fucking mind. In most cases both parties are grown. They should be able to speak to each other as such. Not playing high school games. This is about as irritating as much as when people don't listen to me. Communication is 90% of a debate or anything where a problem occurs. Both sides share their views and eventually you will arrive to a resolution. Condescending behavior doesn't a absolve one party from the issues or problems. Its a scapegoat, one of which will only become a larger problem later on. Best to talk it out and get to the root of the issue.

Repeat

I really dislike repeating myself. A pet peeve of mine also is when im in the middle of explaining something and someone says "hold on". Which is yet another reason I prefer text to talkin on the phone. If im in the middle of a story, I don't want to pause or stop. I also hate being ignored or feeling that way. Its so damn irritating, which is why I hate repeating myself to people. If I take the time to explain something to you, and not even two weeks later you ask again, you're SOL. It sucks because my family does this sometimes. I love em so I deal with it, but my tolerance isn't the same for outsiders. I think its just repetition in general. Whenever I hear stories I heard before I often cut the person off with "oh yeah, I remember you telling me that" but it doesn't work because they often continue. I guess I can't expect everyone to have a memory like mine. I know that if I perform or tour however I won't mind the repetition. I know that these are new people nightly whom haven't heard the material before. With family and friends though I guess its something ill have to get used to. As irri-fucking-tating as it is.

Insignificant

Unless I'm rapping, I never feel like I'm that big of a deal. Maybe that's why I never have/throw parties and things like that. My self esteem sorta be shit sometimes. I put up a good front, but I be hurting when I have parties or events that no one can make it to, but when they throw something I'm always there. Don't feel like im important enough to have that much attention centered around me. Its upsetting, but there isn't much if anything I can do about it. Had a going away party, and granted the main important people made it, a lot of others I cared about didn't make it. So its like....why try? I'm supposed to be having another soon when I go back to Indiana to get my car. I kinda just wanna bow out and leave. I don't think my heart can handle the embarrassment and hurt. My girlfriend asked me what I wanted to do for my 26th birthday, which happens to be my golden birthday since I was born may 26th, and I got nothing. I'm really not that big of a deal so I guess it isn't important. I'd go home but, again, for what? This also falls I to the category of me hating that no one listens to me. I make a comment or statement and its as if I don't exist. I can't stand that. I feel like I'm always wasting my time when I offer a suggestion. But When it comes to something that people know I'm good for they flock to me. Man fuck you and your computers, cables, wires, video games etc. From now on I don't know shit! So tired of being used. And im also tired of being used by app who I've helped convalesce. You were around day in and out of your sickness, soon as you're better...poof. not one person in particular, but two I know for sure. Its my fault for being kind to every fucking body.

My Thoughts

My brain is the strongest device in my body, and often it works against me. Things may seem one way but in reality are completely different. I can't see it though. I cant take anything for what it truly is. There always HAS to be some underlying circumstance. My brain often sabotages many things in my life. Because I see something for what it is, but I always have the tendency to over analyze for the worst. I said in an old blog on myspace, that when im sad....the worst place in the world I can be stuck is alone with my thoughts. They ALWAYS eat me alive. No truer words have ever been spoken. Its like I never want to under think, because often that's when I am taken advantage of. There's no middle ground. All I can do is over think. Im greatful when the thoughts are correct, but more often im embarassed and disappointed when I've over thought something. I don't know why or how I let my thoughts take over but they do. Its very painful. They cause this paranoia I cannot contain. Its a frustrating deal. I hide a lot more than I let people know. Particularly because I've never been someone who dies for attention, or wants the world's pity for their problems. I just wish I could contoll it, before I fuck up more good things in my future. My problems are mine, and as tough as they are I MUST find a way to conquer them.

Intolerance

I've a low tolerance for bullshit and bullshitters. One chance with me. You fuck up that's it. If I honestly care about you or give a fuck, ill work with it, or work it out. If not, its nothing to next. This amazes some people with how short and impatient I am. I don't like my time wasted. Period. If I'm on the phone with someone, customer service anything, and your responses are leading in the direction that you can't help or solve my problem, I hang up. What's the purpose of me wasting time listening to what I already know? A couple bullshit "sorry's" and an I can't help you? Fuck that. This is me. This is how I am. Impatient? Fucking right I am. The very definition of the word. Also I'm not one to tolerate garbage. Keep your shit as yours, don't bring it by me. Same goes for people whom I haven't heard from in a long time, but now out of the blue you need a favor or have a question. Fuck that shit. Not sure what got to me at such a young age to whereas I am how I am, but this is one of my flaws that I don't mind whatsoever. When you're cut off THAT'S IT! Once a bullshitter, always.

Judgement

Because of judgment I OFTEN feel as if I haven't a soul in the world to talk to. If not for the person or situation I'm having an issue with, then of myself for allowing it. Personally, I hate "I told you so'ers", or those who are quick to arrive at a conclusion for my issues without hearing me out first. And to avoid it, I often hold off. Friends, family and otherwise. Sad shit, I have many people I can talk to or confide in, but I don't want them looking negatively at any situation I deal with. I don't know. I suppose this falls into my same blog a out feeling stuck (stuck blog). Having some/anyone to talk to is a rare thing for me. My ex chastised me frequently for discussing any issues with anyone. Not just for things about us. I look back and I was doing the most. So I often think, am I doing too much (privacy blog)? Yet another reason I'm in this box so to speak. My moods and opinions are ever changing and I don't want someone close to me to have a definite or set opinion on anything I tell them. So who else better to have discussions with but yourself? It's funny how with some of my blogs I try to come to a solution or resolution, not here. Really don't know where to go with it, but myself. I don't want to be irritated by false judgment of others, nor do I want their opinions swayed. Come to think of it, why the fuck does almost everyone I know have such an easily swayed opinion? I just realized it and don't like that shit. And now I truly haven't a soul in the world to talk to. Just recently I found out people whom I thought I could confide in have changed. I honestly know I wouldn't want their opinion. Its just me left to figure out.....everything.

Done.

Had my final encounter with that bitch ass nigga, God showed me the right way, and I'm thankful for it. Woofin, barkin, and as TI put it "tongue wrasslin" doesn't phase me. I'm a new man. A smarter man. It takes violence to move a leader. I'm to smart to even waste energy on bullshit. That shit is shit and was flushed years ago. Been down that road and ain't shit there at the end. Already Home? I've been transcendent for 2 years. As I asked when he approached me "you still on that bullshit?", unto wit he replied.."yeah i hate you nigga!" If you hate me so much...why stand and talk shit...GET CLOSE and talk shit. Punch me. Real niggas don't speak. Thats why I didnt budge. I didn't need my fam to budge either. I wanted them to hold back cuz i wanted to see what this dude was REALLY about, but I already knew...nothing. Aint NO nigga finna hoe me. Talk all shit you want. Lay hands, its a different situation. Over done and gone. No worries or complaints. A final test of sorts which I passed with no issue. I see 10 steps ahead in any situation or scheme. It shall not pass or come to fruition. Faith and intelligence held me down and I am grateful for both. God's shown me the light when the Devil caught a hold of my first mind.....which I ALWAYS follow. Nah, I'm good and cool on bullshit. Im a grown man, with a new family soon to take care of, I've no time or strength for childish behavior. My sanity has me in that area with death as the only option. Yet another reason I try to remain cool. Killing this cat would be the only way to shut him the fuck up. I have control over my carnal instincts however. I rest now. No more will/shall ever be spoken if this night. Plus, pretty good for someone who isn't famous yet. When I DO make it...niggas gonna HATE tryina rile me up so I can hit em and catch a charge lmao

Spaz

I gotta work on not spazzing out every time something amazes me. Its like a default on me. I'm so used to japping out and I haven't had much experience in being calm. Its just a natural reaction. I can't help it. Even trying to take breaths and taking time to calm down doesn't help. It only makes me angrier.Can't be totally mad at things in life when its partly your fault. The assume addage comes into play here. Also does common sense. Guaranteed had I known the full terms none of this would have been agreed upon. Double standard, im not one for it. Its unfair as shit. Im sure somewhere someone's happy about my plight. None of the previous plans/ideas are coming in to fruition. I already wasn't comfortable with it before. Definitely not now. Makes me wonder if all the terms were thought to be same. I gotta control my anger, but its tough. I don't wanna mess up good things in the future, by being stubborn with my past. Its like I don't know how to approach things the right way. I react entirely off anger. I suck at faking emotions also. You can 20 times out of 5 tell when im pissed about something. Its a growing process. One I should have started a long time ago. No use in bitching about it now however. Gotta get a start somewhere....

Privacy

I see now how she felt. Exposed and embarrassed. Feels as if you're being broken apart when its breached. Privacy is supposed to be private. I see and understand however. Whole lot of bugs to be worked out before normalcy is here. I knew it wasn't gonna be 100% forever. That's why I'm taking everything step by step. What happens in a private setting should remain such. We're all adults here. No need for childish antics or games. Those comments were HIGHLY unnecessary for the public. There's no taking it back and a "sorry" won't cover it. Privacy should be such. I completely get how she used to feel when I went to every outside source and gum/finger flapped about shit between us. Meh, another reason I'm not so upset is, I know almost everything I've done in my life is on its way back. Fuck it. Come all at once or one at a time. I'm much more mature and prepared. Privacy lines need to be discussed however to prevent further problems and/or issues. Truth is, some people don't think before they act. I've been down that road, and I'm not going back.

Stuck

I hate the feeling. Being somewhere, or in a situation that you don't want to be, with no exit. Its one of the most frustrating things in the world. You just wanna yell or flip out, but that doesn't solve shit. So you're stuck. What sucks more is I've no patience so it REALLY sucks. Sometimes it's monetary, other times emotionally, but I know everyone has felt this way before. Its physically sickening, be it headaches or otherwise, it's painful. You have to just sit and take it. It being whatever situation has arisen. This is moreso a rant than a blog posting. Im currently in the situation of not being in a comfotable living area. Once we're in the house in april it will all be for the better. Currently the weather, and people's overall laziness are what's preventing us right now. With no way around it, we're stuck. Unless my music or the lottery kicks in soon....then we'll be right here...."/

Alien

What the fuck is it with me? If not me, what the fuck is it with people? When I've had woes in relationships or things that seem clear cut, common sense to me, are often greek to the significant other. Some shits just cut and dry, well in my eyes its cut and dry. I ALWAYS have a problem with the other halves about things that seem crystal clear to me. Never to any rebuttal of good reasoning, or any reasoning at all. I feel as if I'm an alien. Im the only one who understands. I don't like the feeling. It's never boded well. EVER. In the past I tried rationalizing and chalking it up to being raised in different areas. What's commonplace to me could be unfathomable to someone else. However, this theory is quickly proved asinine when over used. I just don't get it. Something clear and conscise to me isn't clear all around the board. It's one of the most aggrivating things ever. My heart physically hurts right now. I can't explain or understand something so simple.

"Friendship"

I know me. I know that I can't handle it. Even though we talked, the shit still bothers me. I'm not going anywhere, so there's no issue there. However this freindship has got to go. I can't deal with it. I know how I get. I don't want this to be an issue later, but I  also know how I'll end up reacting. I don't like it, it MUST end. I could understand if both parties were on the same page, but one isn't. It isn't your family anymore, mind your life and go forward. Because I swear, promise and guarantee, you don't wanna go backward while I'm around. This relationship shit is hard. Sad as it is this is probably the first REAL one I've been in. The sacrifices I make and what not are of a higher magnitude than I've ever had before. I love her, so I'm going to react for her. Which is difficult because I'm so used to reacting for myself. Inital response for anything I don't give a fuck about is ASSHOLE. I can't be fake though, and I won't pretend anything for anyone. I won't let my mind take over and stir, but I won't ignore my thoughts either. First minds always often correct. I don't want   it around at fucking all

Fake Christians & Church †

I've always hated fake Christians. People who ask you to praise the Lord and are holy as fuck one minute, then the next, tell you you're the devil and going to hell when you piss them off. Why play with God like that? You can quote several scriptures off the top of your head...but do you really know/feel what they mean? That's also like people who say "oh I don't smoke weed, drink, curse, or have sex on Sunday's......that's the Lord's day." You think God likes you playing with him? Be how you are everyday, all day, that's what he wants. The REAL! I've had people tell me I'm goin to hell because I don't go to church, when in all actuality God was pissed with the church when he saw it'd become something different from his vision (check your bibles again people). Same reason I hate goin to church because of hypocrites and shit. Taking collection 9 times throughout the service, empty ass messages, more singing than praise. I'm cool on that. Don't shoot me down about being sacrilegious. I KNOW Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. So don't say my contempt for fake Christians comes from not having faith of my own. Or not living my life in a way which would upset God. Now I won't release the name of the person who left me the above email, and text, but this is someone whom I THOUGHT was a true person of God. I had no ideas or suspicions to think any other way. That shit came from left field after I said "either we can be friends or nothing". I was nothing but genuine and honest with this woman too. From the beginning, informing her that I am not interested in having or beginning a relationship. Yet and still she took more and more steps ahead without checking in with me first. Now that we no longer talk, attacks against my manhood are posted all over the internet, which i don't care about. Talk about me loving porn, but you enjoyed many "ungodly" sexual acts with me. Threatening me with God, that's not what he wants. You of all people should understand and know that that isn't how he wants his word spread...through fear. You all know how I feel about subliminal messages. I didn't send the blog right away, because i wanted time to pass. I didn't wanna go in on this subject until the anger had subsided. I don't apologize for anything I have did/done and I don't look back on my life. People get one chance with me. You fuck that up, that's on you. I even gave this person an opportunity of friendship. An opportunity to let this go and move on from here. No. Attacks were made against me, my religious beliefs questions and unfair assumptions were made. This person further helped me see into and understand "deeply" religious people or so called Christians and their true methods. I'm done speaking on this subject. Seriously.

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Comedy

^^now THAT'S SWAG!!^^

I don't try to be funny. Not nearly! I just genuinely am. Always been told I should've been a comedian. Used to think it was bullshit from chicks to get in my pants, but when I started laughin at my own shit I knew I was on to something lol I hurt feelings sometimes yes, don't give a fuck though personally, but you people know that already " ). I honestly can't pass up a good moment. If someone says/does some stupid shit I'm gonna go in on em. Partly has to be my avid love for cartoons. As well as my uncles (The Three Stooges). Pretty much all that my dvr is chocked full with. Comedic shows or cartoons. I LOVE IT! There was only one time in my life where I was set up beautifully and I didn't go for it. While I worked concerts @ the casino in 2008, Raz B and some dude walked up to me and asked me where the bathroom was. I told him, but also wanted to say....with the straightest face "hey man........I'm sorry about your asshole". The only thing that stopped me, I had my badge on with my name on it, and he seemed like the type to inform one of my superiors lol I can't explain why, I mean who doesn't like to laugh? My friend Ashleigh is a walking fuckin comic box. She doesn't try either! Upon me telling her I had a girlfriend she said...and I quote "well shit on me sideways and hide the toilet paper" lmmfao! I cry when I laugh too hard. My ribs sometimes hurt, chest full of pain...but I enjoy it " ). The same way I enjoy bringing comedy to people. I supposed that's where my randomess comes from? Because if you don't know me, ask anyone, I say/do off the wall shit. Sometimes it's just what I feel, or what feels like the right thing to do at the time. If people star @ me in public...why not give them a show? lol While in MD eating a restaurant, these 2 older ladies kept eyeballin me and my girlfriend...so...I gave her the nastiest porno kiss ever (complete with tongue) and they were disgusted but WE were amused! lol There's another side to the coin however, with people who aren't funny. People who try too hard to be funny and end up annoying (that one atlanta based comedian on twitter for example). Also people who instead of allow their feelings or emotions to be read, they joke or send subliminal messages, or make inferances. When its clearly known "a lot of truth is said in jest". That's the only kind of comedy I don't tolerate.