Lazy.

I ignore fat people who eat uncontrollably, never exercise and complain about their weight. Every new year that's the resolution for many. I even ignore people who are unemployed, who spend their free time smoking weed instead of finding a decent job. I ignore people who constantly complain about their lives but do nothing to better themselves. Laziness. Its horrible. Nothing in this world is free or falls into your lap. I've always been a firm believer in the idea that you can only help someone so much until they have to decide to help themselves. Now lets look at that. Decide, why would you have to decide to do better in your life? Putting forth action and effort is a deterring feat for most people who fall into the "lazy" category. Another instance is people who make horrible decisions. I've always considered myself a good friend, and hopefully I am considered the same by my friends.  I will be there, but I can't sit and keep watching you falter or fall for the same shit over and over again. It's laziness to just go with what you want after asking for advice you knew you weren't going to follow. Many female friends of mine have had relationship issues and their plight has been being lazy and deciding to settle. It also fucking sucks when people are so lazy that they just agree with what you're saying just to shut you up rather than listen so they can understand your point of view. This happens in many areas. Families, Friends, Relationships and the work place. These are the same ones who are always quick to judge and never place themselves in that persons shoes. A lot of people know damn well that if a situation was reversed they'd feel completely different about it. Time has to be taken out and situations must be accessed. Laziness is a disease that's festered and affected the lives of many people. It saddens me watching lives crumble because of it. Understandably I'm different from many people, but I won't tolerate it. I want better in my life so I go for it. Sometimes I am motivated and sometimes I am not, but I get it done. Whatever it may be.

A New Horizon.

Wow. It's been a while right? Almost a year anniversary in a few weeks.
For the blog and myself & Candi =]. I've really come full circle too. My
life has picked up like I prayed and worked so hard for it to. I have a
wonderful job, a beautiful woman by my side, and finances are almost in
order. Everything is good. I've gone from working the grave shift at CVS
making dirt, to working the early bird at Apple. I've been so busy with
work that I haven't had the time to update here, let alone get in contact
with family and friends. It's like that sometimes though. When you truly
commit to something and you're focused on doing better. We're also moving in a
few weeks. From a house Maryland to a condo in Virginia. I had only realized maybe
two weeks ago that my life is secretly where I've always wanted it...RIGHT
NOW. Dream job, beautiful area to live on the East Coast, only one thing
left. Waiting on news about that though lol Anyhow, this is just a small update. New blogs coming soon! So many exciting things in my life, I gotta break 'em down and share them with you all.


Cya [=

-Ryan H (TH1RT3EN)

Horoscope

Normally these are a crock of bullshit but....well lol

GEMINI Sep, 09, 2010

If you are feeling unappreciated it's about time, Gemini! Actually, what that means is that it's about time you started to notice that someone isn't treating you very well. This is someone you may have bent over backwards to please, and done everything in your power to satisfy. Still, though, this individual doesn't seem to recognize or respect your efforts. Let it be known how you feel, and if things don't change, it may be time to move on and share your time with someone who adores you and shows it.

Life BEFORE Luck

Can't stop me!!!

That bitch.....crazy?

A friend of mine asked, generally, "What goes through a guys mind when your first talking to them?" She knew sex was a given, but wondered if there was a specific list. I told her the honest truth. "It all depends on the type of guy he is." Vague, but true. Being that I have been all kinds of every guy in my lifetime, I broke it down even further. There's a guy who wants to fuck you, immediately, but will try to be patient and take his time with you. Let's call him the heart breaker. Doing everything you want (dates, etc.) until he gets his chance. He'll do the extreme. Meet your family, befriend your friends, and sucker you into a relationship. He'll even go so far as to tell you he loves you....if it can get him some pussy. Which often results in "Man, that bitch crazy!". I'll elaborate more on that statement later. In real life he's fucking other chicks until you're ready. Then you have the guy who's sweet and sensitive and is genuinely attracted to you. Sex is the furthest from his mind because hes interested more so in your MIND. Let's call him Mr. Right. You can tell him by phone calls, and texts when he says he will, also by the style of conversation. Has he mentioned sex at all within knowing you three weeks? Often not. If sex is brought up he will change the subject, simply because he isn't interested in that aspect of you yet. This is the guy most women THINK they want. By the end however he's too emotional for you and can be portrayed as 'soft'. Then there's the guy who wants to fuck. Bold. Out there. Plain and simple. Cut and dry. He's the reason all men are mislabeled "Dog ass nigga". Hell, He'll tell you from jump himself. In fact, he believes if he doesn't fuck you or get head on your first encounter, then you're a waste of time to him. On to the next. This guy has issues from past relationships which causes his tolerance and trust in the opposite sex to be null and void. Initially, not necessarily for the sake of my daughter, but I hindsight I'm glad I did, I have been all of the above men. Some men are a mixture of the aforementioned, some are just one. Being that I have been all of the above listed, my daughter will know what to watch out for. I'll start in reverse order.
     The "Dog" as women so vehemently call him, was made this way because he was once Mr. Right. He had been taken advantage of one too many times. Treated like shit by women he's loved, and tolerated it only because he wanted them to be happy. After losing trust for all women he became the ultimate asshole. This works in his favor, simply because 90% of the time, women like assholes. He's primal. Lets sex be the end all be all. Nothing more than wondering where the next mouth or new pussy is coming from. He could be an no good unemployed stay at home nigga with a few baby mommas, or he could be a semi wealthy, well respected businessman. The attitude toward sex in general is the easiest way to spot him. Many women think all men are like this, but they misconstrue.
     Mr. Right, he's laid back. Respectful. He was raised to treat a woman correctly and comes from a good upbringing. This is the guy most women think they want. He's often too sensitive for many womens tastes. Not to the effect that won't defend them when time permits, but that he's overly emotional in the relationship. Some women feel as if they are the man and he's the woman. He cares for them more than anything. Sacrificing everything for the sake of their happiness. Sometimes heart breakers or dogs fall into this category when they see the big picture. No one wants to be alone for the rest of their life. If he was a heart breaker, he'll deal with all bullshit a woman outs him through, sacrificing his manhood, simply for Karmatic effect. He feels he must go through this to atone for all the wrong hes caused in his life. The same for the dog. In the end he ends up alone because he doesn't have that edge that women want.
     Now for the Heart Breaker. Mr. I'm going to do or say whatever it takes to fuck THAT particular woman. This is often the cheater in a relationship. He's the most extreme. No matter what it takes, he's going to fuck you if that's what he wishes. Even if he has to make you his girlfriend and be with you for months or years. This is the real snake. The one who sends you head over heels, then when he's had his fill, he drops you. Which often is the case when he shouts to his boys, friends, and the police "Get her! Man, that bitch crazy!" I'm not saying every woman is insane. Often times she isnt though. Its not her fault, all she did was love and care for someone who constantly let her down or gave her the world only to snatch it from beneath her. You sir, caused this on your own. There are certain things you don't say/do to get what you want. Especially if you can't or have no plans to deliver on it. This causes a woman to lose it or be "crazy" as you put it in most situations. Sometimes though, the bitch really is just crazy lol
     At any rate I just wanted some clarification to be had, simply because I'm tired of good guys getting bad raps from women based on unfair generalization. This blog is for women single or in a relationship, but also for dudes who may be struggling for questions as to why women act how they do or what kind of man they are. Everyone wants to be perfect for someone in one way or another. I guess the right formula has to be figured out. Be leery of your actions however, you may cause the opposite reaction of what you're looking for. It's possible for men to make their own decision of the kind of man they want to be, but if treated a certain way by a woman....he may become something else. As many of my reader may want to know, "You said you were all three at one point, which are you now?"





I guess.......you'd have to ask my girlfriend after she's read this blog. [:

Stepping Stone

All the bitching I did about worrk, finally get it, and I'm picky. So fucking what?  I'm human and I have right. I had a week to actually think about all this and it REALLY settled in today when I was filling out the paper work and reading the countless rules. I don't like cashiering. its never been my thing. I've been in charge of responsible things before, but often jobs have too much goin on with it, whereas I dont want the extra headache. Then the dress code, no boss man I don't own khakis. I'm the one nigger in the world who doesnt. Don't fucking look at me over those cheap ass glasses that way. I wanted the hotel to call back. A job I was comfortable with. Something I was confident doing. If it's one thing I also disprove of, it's uncertainty. I know life isn't about being comfortable, but its what I want. I'll deal with this until I see what Apple has to offer. Maybe during the day I can communicate with the hotel to check progress. No one is as qualified for that position as I am. It's impossible. I could run that place ragged and be promoted within a month. Safety? That could possibly be another concern. I mean fuck, I quit working as a parking attendant after 2 days when I found out the area where I was training was prone to robbery. An off duty police officer ain't enough to me. Feels like I'll be a big ass sitting duck like a gas station attendant without the glass. I should be elated, but I can't stop seeing all the negatives. Its frustrating & irritating. I hate this shit, but it's me. Hope Ikea gives me a call back too. Seems everyone who calls or emails is interested in hiring me. So I guess I gotta stop bitching and deal with it. This is MY BLOG though. The real me, how I feel. You don't like it, don't fucking read. I felt like a rant and this seemed like the best option. I want what I want and I'm entitled to be happy. I should just use this as what it is. The aforementioned title. Excuse nothing.

Don't Want

This may sound fucked up, but kids/adults don't wait for anything in life. Chances are when you obtain it you'll either be unsatisfied or miserable. Personally, I'm like 0 for 10+ with things I wanted so bad for so long, got it and was like....this is it? I'm not saying don't have hopes, dreams, goals or aspirations. I'm saying don't vehemently put your all into an object. No matter how long you've waited, I guarantee you'll be disappointed in the result. I haven't found happiness from it yet. Like I said 0/10+. Ten is a damn estimate lol. There were shoes and other clothing articles I wanted so badly, got em and its like....why? Spent all that money and time, in the end for nothing. I'm also not saying aim low for obtainable things, I'm saying reach for things that will help better you in life. Not something momentarily that will just linger around until...whenever. Saddens me also because this is the same thing that has made me not want music so many times. What if I feel the same loss? The same insignificance after I achieve it? Money didnt make me happy at the casino, so its like I have a lot working against me. I try my hardest to not get disheartened when I can't record or finish writing a song, but it takes its toll after a while. Year after year. My final thought is to leave things as they are. If you want something, that will better your future only, go for it. Anything otherwise, people or inanimate objects will always let you down. Live your life. Dont ever wonder or worry about "what could've been." Find your necessities.

Masks

 I dont like the idea of masking or hiding emotions. I can't do it, never want to learn. I've always been outspoken, wearing my heart on my sleeve and my balls on the outside. I'm not afraid of anything, with the exception of my Lord and Savior. No reactions to anything I say or do by other people can dishearten me. I don't get how people do it. Hide their true feelings, keeping secrets and living lies. They dont know that they're hurting themselves in the long run. Honesty and truth is the key to real happiness. When will people realize this? You can only be fake for so long. If you feel a certain way about something, let it out. Don't hide it and cause harm (be it physical or mental) to yourself. No one is worth that. People have different masks too, as if one isnt enough. They've owned so many for so long that I'm willing to bet they don't know what their real face is. Who the real person is. That's so depressing. I can't do it. I'm open. I've had masks in the past, they dont work. In the end you're only hiding from yourself. It's easy to get lost. I wouldn't ever fathom returning to that world, but these people are everywhere. Why are they hiding? What are they afraid of?

Clarity

I need clarity. Its like I have the feeling and vision of what I want and need, but its unattainable. Like its there but smudged. Or at least the directions to get there are smudged. So many things have occurred recently that are destined to place me back in that ever so often arising state of melancholy that occurs. Unemployment's done. Jobs turning me down, or im being held from certain jobs on purpose. Both bank accounts are somehow overdrawn, with NO money anywhere for them to be fixed. Restless, just a myriad of circumstances. I used to own mental windex, when I was cocky, arrogant and reckless. Now that im much more mature, I need a stronger formula. My music seems to suffer. I've fallen back into a slump.....again. I don't know. I need to figure all of this out. I have to have a list and plot my steps out. Fuck everyone else. Its time to be selfish. I cant keep giving to ungrateful people and getting shitted on, or wasting my time with idiotic ideas or values. I refuse to be a stepping stone or slave. I need to focus. Focus. Focus. FOCUS. Focus on myself, my goals, a plan to get me out of the hole that I'm in. As well as an extra rope to escape once I have escaped.

Progress is BEAUTIFUL!

http://www.reverbnation.com/onlyone13

Give me a rating, comment, fan, and share!

Now I need a mac or Protools and a laptop and Mic lol " )

Employment

Swear I want to smack the fuck out of any and everyone who's complaining about work. I've been out of work a year and a half, and you have the nerve to complain about your job? You smug motherfucker.  I wish I could line you all up and take 5 from you. You know how much this works on someone's personality, their mind, their life? You know what. Quit your job. Give it to me. You don't fucking deserve it (see resume/jobs blog post). Makes m sick hearing and reading it everyday. So much it makes me want to delete every social networking site I have and become a hermit. All applications for everywhere are online. Im sick and tired of that shit. Asking me 30 ways "if you would steal" or these stupid ass personality traits. Its 4 questions asked 65 times. I already hate repetition so this doesn't make it better. Then to top everything off, I heard they're looking at your credit before they hire you....you fucking kidding me?! How the fuck can.  You get ahead when they won't let you move forward. Got creditors from student loans threatening to garnish my wages...surprise surprise ion have a fucking job! Have at it! I say fuck em all. Let em make my credit rating a 0 and throw me in jail or whatever the fuck they want to do. Already hard as hell as it is. I could give a fuck less about it anymore. Because once I am working I know there'll be more issues. But to you people complaining to go or about your jobs...quit. See how much you like the fucking struggle

Privy

This detective skill sucks sometimes. The whole ignorance is bliss thing is something I wish I could endure....sometimes. you know how you can tell peoples actions by mannerisms or whatever, well since I pay attention yo detail, I have this a thousand fold. It is good always knowing things ahead of time, but sometimes.....sometimes I wish for that ignorance. Great for normal out of the the box thinking, but bad for everyday situations. If only there was a switch lol A switch to flip between knowledge and ignorance, so I could pick and choose my spots. I don't play poker, probably because I wear my emotions like my skin. Also a good/bad thing. Not knowing something won't make it go away though, no matter how much we wish for it. Id settle for that dumbledore memory eraser. Put a wand up to my head, and pull memories, info out, to store it away. Im aware of every subliminal or indirect comment. Sometimes I wish I wasn't.

Erased

 
So for the third time in my life, all of my raps and shit are gone. Is this a sign or something? My sd card stayed fucking up, but this time it was an error of my own. Before i factory reset my phone yesterday I should have exported the files. Fuck. The layout for 3 mix tapes as well as a new song i had just written were there. Now gone. Back to square one. My memory is shit so I know I wont remember it. I dont feel the same as I did that say so the feelings wont be there when I try to write it again. I hate this shit. Id say fuck technology all together and get a notebook but they're too fucking clunky! Not as easily accessible as my phone. Gonna have to save drafts. im over being pissed. Cant bitch about something of which you have no control. Its more nerve wrecking than anything. Not like Im recording soon anyhow. Sucky part about writing a song based off of the emotions you feel AT THAT TIME...you may never feel that way again. Its hard to duplicate. I honestly wouldnt ever want to feel that way again anyhow. Song or not. Huuuuuuuuuuuuuh. Guess I gotta just chalk it up and get back at it.....eventually.

Ideal

My ideal thing would be to get a job paying well and their be apartments nearby. Good neighborhood, close to a metro so candi can get back and forth to work. I don't think it really affected me until our conversation that...she's pretty much doing it all. This houseband shit isn't for me. I don't mind cooking and cleaning up...but I want to work. I see that daily its not working with us sharing a place. I tried to be optimistic, but from her other cousin not moving to the shitty diapers in the house...its not working. We'd need our own. With her gettin this raise it'd be perfect because around tax time next year she could get a vehicle. Maybe sooner if we did our money correctly. The leaking shit, the violence, the broken shit, the bugs, I can't do. Never had to deal with it never want to. Im sick of not working. I hope someone calls me back soon. Shit anywhere. Some money is better than none. It also pushes me closer to my ideal life. Preferably sometheing paying more than $8. I have a car note and insurance and shit I need to think of. I hate not being able to do nice things for my girlfriend when I want. Having to say "eh maybe next week" is dead. So used to my life of the past, I know im ready for it now. I was wreckless and irresponsible, that's why God took it all away. I've understood that for a while. Im ready to work and get back to that level or better. Im much more organized and responsible now. I can undertake anything thrown my way. Im ready to return to my ideal world.

Inference

Seems to be the best method of getting information you want. Or making your feelings or ideas known without causing uproar. May even be possible to change someones mind using these tactics. Often things happen accidentally while giving an undeserving person credit. When an inference is made, more likely than not, the person will take the credit even if they don't deserve it! You might have an idea of how you want someone to think, feel, or believe, and once you make an inference, like magic your suggestion is taken. It isn't 100% but the few times in my life I've used it or had it used on me it's worked. Could be a boss at your job, debating on who yo give a promotion. You have a conversation with the boss, make a few inferences of how much of a bad business decision and asinine someone would be to promote the other guy...and what do you know? Like you literally pretty much told your boss he'd be a dumb ass not to hire..you! Say it without saying ya feel me? These tactics are probably used by politicians often. They say something, but they mean something else. The general consensus takes it to a positive, so the politician runs with it lol Crazy shit, but I have had several situations where...shit just happened on accident. I wont lie, I always run with it lol Why give back good credit given? Even if it isn't deserved, they'll never know that. " D Some people may never have had good happen to them at all in their lives until these situations occur. Why not take advantage of it?

NICE¡!

Did another YouTube vid today...

http://tinyurl.com/th1rt3en

There's more at....

www.myspace.com/onlyone13

I don't know how to feel. There's an emptiness, I know that much. It's almost palpable. Things aren't how they were, but they aren't bad either. Never look to the past for a perception, you'll always trip over the future. Is it a child? No, I honestly don't think so. I wouldn't mind a kid right now though. I know what I always said about bringing a child in to the world in these kinds of situations but...yeah, you say a lot until you're faced with certain things. Is it school? I've debated going back for sometime and had finally come to grips that I do want to begin next year. Those ideas and their solidarity were shattered once i received a bill from my past scholastic attempts. Do I really want to be in that much MORE debt? That's not a good way to look at it, but shit, that's how I see it. I need to find out what it is missing though. Nothing is wrong, but something just doesn't seem right. Not sure if its my work situation, relationship shit, school, debts, bills, or my rhyming. God knows I'm WAY over due to record more material. I don't mean one song to listen to for a year until i record the next one either. I mean actually getting shit DONE. Can't say I haven't fathomed giving up, but I can't. I know I'm good and I know I need to be heard. When I do make it, i'll have a funny story to tell through all of this stress, pain and suffering. Like "I remember when finding a studio was the biggest hindrance." Until that time that's what I'm faced with. That, and unemployment, as well as making sure my girlfriend is happy everyday. Making everyday spent with her the best of her life. She's truly lucky to have the more mature Ryan from the asshole I was in relationships past. I can't show her that, but I'm gonna try my best to have it seen through my actions. I'm always going to put her before any/everything. Normally my blogs have a theme or topic I discuss. This is more so...not venting but, cognitive diarrhea lol. I've many huge tasks to undertake, and I am ready and willing to accept and surmount them all, if I can just be put in the area to attack them. All of this on the upcoming eve for my 26th (golden) birthday on the 26th of May. Maybe this is all just life settling in, even more so than in the past.

Communication

How hard is it to emote? Modulate how you feel and let someone who cares about you know? They've given you the green light to say whatever is on your mind, yet you can't? Or don't. I refuse its that hard to talk about your feelings. Especially when it can solve a very serious issue. Blogging is a way to release emotion and say how you feel, so how can someone not email/speak a blog to someone they supposedly care for. Especially when they see how bad it makes that person feel. I for one hate being left in the dark and wondering. I'd never do this to someone else. The last...ABSOLUTE LAST thing I would want to do is hurt, or continue to hurt someone who means a lot to me. Not being articulate is fine, I'd accept any slang or if written, any sentence fragments or misspellings. I just hate being in the dark. Its cold. Lonely. For the same loneliness I could be literally alone. I've just come from this, I don't want to go back. If you have something to say to someone....save their heart and say it. If you even truly care for their heart.

Untitled

It feels like love again, confusing and frustration
You say you'll make it different so you grow more patient/
It feels like all of the infatuation is gone
Every morning and every day there seems to be something wrong/
It feels like the past coming around again
Except this time im alone and have no friends/
It feels like im an annoyance or a problem
Rather than love and affection I feel like a bother/
It feels like I may be playing 808s real soon
Though the circumstances are different this feels to be true/
It feels weird having a relationship with no communication
Like one of us is deaf on purpose in every situation/
It feels like a lonely life is ahead of me
I promised I wouldn't try anymore after she/
But I did, twice over and I get the same feeling
Burning and pain from several scars that aren't healing/

Contradiction

Rappers do it. People in general, its a fucking pain. Never fathomed saying something and doing the opposite. How can you have set feelings about something permanently, but have a possibility of not wanting it as an idea, thought, or option. Like wanting a real tattoo, but not wanting to have something tattooed on your skin. It doesn't make sense to me. You can't feel a strong certain way about something knowing for a fact you'll hate it later. Especially when human emotions are involved. Better to just let go now then threaten someones feelings. Never been one to respond well to threats. I don't threat, I act. What's to gain from threatening? Just be truthful. Save someone from being hurt in the long run. Sucks when people act like they don't know its a major concern when you've brought it to them as such. Also Fucked up when someone says they'll work on said behavior but never do. Its not funny, nor a joke, nor is it a game.