Masks

 I dont like the idea of masking or hiding emotions. I can't do it, never want to learn. I've always been outspoken, wearing my heart on my sleeve and my balls on the outside. I'm not afraid of anything, with the exception of my Lord and Savior. No reactions to anything I say or do by other people can dishearten me. I don't get how people do it. Hide their true feelings, keeping secrets and living lies. They dont know that they're hurting themselves in the long run. Honesty and truth is the key to real happiness. When will people realize this? You can only be fake for so long. If you feel a certain way about something, let it out. Don't hide it and cause harm (be it physical or mental) to yourself. No one is worth that. People have different masks too, as if one isnt enough. They've owned so many for so long that I'm willing to bet they don't know what their real face is. Who the real person is. That's so depressing. I can't do it. I'm open. I've had masks in the past, they dont work. In the end you're only hiding from yourself. It's easy to get lost. I wouldn't ever fathom returning to that world, but these people are everywhere. Why are they hiding? What are they afraid of?

Clarity

I need clarity. Its like I have the feeling and vision of what I want and need, but its unattainable. Like its there but smudged. Or at least the directions to get there are smudged. So many things have occurred recently that are destined to place me back in that ever so often arising state of melancholy that occurs. Unemployment's done. Jobs turning me down, or im being held from certain jobs on purpose. Both bank accounts are somehow overdrawn, with NO money anywhere for them to be fixed. Restless, just a myriad of circumstances. I used to own mental windex, when I was cocky, arrogant and reckless. Now that im much more mature, I need a stronger formula. My music seems to suffer. I've fallen back into a slump.....again. I don't know. I need to figure all of this out. I have to have a list and plot my steps out. Fuck everyone else. Its time to be selfish. I cant keep giving to ungrateful people and getting shitted on, or wasting my time with idiotic ideas or values. I refuse to be a stepping stone or slave. I need to focus. Focus. Focus. FOCUS. Focus on myself, my goals, a plan to get me out of the hole that I'm in. As well as an extra rope to escape once I have escaped.

Progress is BEAUTIFUL!

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Now I need a mac or Protools and a laptop and Mic lol " )

Employment

Swear I want to smack the fuck out of any and everyone who's complaining about work. I've been out of work a year and a half, and you have the nerve to complain about your job? You smug motherfucker.  I wish I could line you all up and take 5 from you. You know how much this works on someone's personality, their mind, their life? You know what. Quit your job. Give it to me. You don't fucking deserve it (see resume/jobs blog post). Makes m sick hearing and reading it everyday. So much it makes me want to delete every social networking site I have and become a hermit. All applications for everywhere are online. Im sick and tired of that shit. Asking me 30 ways "if you would steal" or these stupid ass personality traits. Its 4 questions asked 65 times. I already hate repetition so this doesn't make it better. Then to top everything off, I heard they're looking at your credit before they hire you....you fucking kidding me?! How the fuck can.  You get ahead when they won't let you move forward. Got creditors from student loans threatening to garnish my wages...surprise surprise ion have a fucking job! Have at it! I say fuck em all. Let em make my credit rating a 0 and throw me in jail or whatever the fuck they want to do. Already hard as hell as it is. I could give a fuck less about it anymore. Because once I am working I know there'll be more issues. But to you people complaining to go or about your jobs...quit. See how much you like the fucking struggle

Privy

This detective skill sucks sometimes. The whole ignorance is bliss thing is something I wish I could endure....sometimes. you know how you can tell peoples actions by mannerisms or whatever, well since I pay attention yo detail, I have this a thousand fold. It is good always knowing things ahead of time, but sometimes.....sometimes I wish for that ignorance. Great for normal out of the the box thinking, but bad for everyday situations. If only there was a switch lol A switch to flip between knowledge and ignorance, so I could pick and choose my spots. I don't play poker, probably because I wear my emotions like my skin. Also a good/bad thing. Not knowing something won't make it go away though, no matter how much we wish for it. Id settle for that dumbledore memory eraser. Put a wand up to my head, and pull memories, info out, to store it away. Im aware of every subliminal or indirect comment. Sometimes I wish I wasn't.

Erased

 
So for the third time in my life, all of my raps and shit are gone. Is this a sign or something? My sd card stayed fucking up, but this time it was an error of my own. Before i factory reset my phone yesterday I should have exported the files. Fuck. The layout for 3 mix tapes as well as a new song i had just written were there. Now gone. Back to square one. My memory is shit so I know I wont remember it. I dont feel the same as I did that say so the feelings wont be there when I try to write it again. I hate this shit. Id say fuck technology all together and get a notebook but they're too fucking clunky! Not as easily accessible as my phone. Gonna have to save drafts. im over being pissed. Cant bitch about something of which you have no control. Its more nerve wrecking than anything. Not like Im recording soon anyhow. Sucky part about writing a song based off of the emotions you feel AT THAT TIME...you may never feel that way again. Its hard to duplicate. I honestly wouldnt ever want to feel that way again anyhow. Song or not. Huuuuuuuuuuuuuh. Guess I gotta just chalk it up and get back at it.....eventually.

Ideal

My ideal thing would be to get a job paying well and their be apartments nearby. Good neighborhood, close to a metro so candi can get back and forth to work. I don't think it really affected me until our conversation that...she's pretty much doing it all. This houseband shit isn't for me. I don't mind cooking and cleaning up...but I want to work. I see that daily its not working with us sharing a place. I tried to be optimistic, but from her other cousin not moving to the shitty diapers in the house...its not working. We'd need our own. With her gettin this raise it'd be perfect because around tax time next year she could get a vehicle. Maybe sooner if we did our money correctly. The leaking shit, the violence, the broken shit, the bugs, I can't do. Never had to deal with it never want to. Im sick of not working. I hope someone calls me back soon. Shit anywhere. Some money is better than none. It also pushes me closer to my ideal life. Preferably sometheing paying more than $8. I have a car note and insurance and shit I need to think of. I hate not being able to do nice things for my girlfriend when I want. Having to say "eh maybe next week" is dead. So used to my life of the past, I know im ready for it now. I was wreckless and irresponsible, that's why God took it all away. I've understood that for a while. Im ready to work and get back to that level or better. Im much more organized and responsible now. I can undertake anything thrown my way. Im ready to return to my ideal world.

Inference

Seems to be the best method of getting information you want. Or making your feelings or ideas known without causing uproar. May even be possible to change someones mind using these tactics. Often things happen accidentally while giving an undeserving person credit. When an inference is made, more likely than not, the person will take the credit even if they don't deserve it! You might have an idea of how you want someone to think, feel, or believe, and once you make an inference, like magic your suggestion is taken. It isn't 100% but the few times in my life I've used it or had it used on me it's worked. Could be a boss at your job, debating on who yo give a promotion. You have a conversation with the boss, make a few inferences of how much of a bad business decision and asinine someone would be to promote the other guy...and what do you know? Like you literally pretty much told your boss he'd be a dumb ass not to hire..you! Say it without saying ya feel me? These tactics are probably used by politicians often. They say something, but they mean something else. The general consensus takes it to a positive, so the politician runs with it lol Crazy shit, but I have had several situations where...shit just happened on accident. I wont lie, I always run with it lol Why give back good credit given? Even if it isn't deserved, they'll never know that. " D Some people may never have had good happen to them at all in their lives until these situations occur. Why not take advantage of it?

NICE¡!

Did another YouTube vid today...

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There's more at....

www.myspace.com/onlyone13

I don't know how to feel. There's an emptiness, I know that much. It's almost palpable. Things aren't how they were, but they aren't bad either. Never look to the past for a perception, you'll always trip over the future. Is it a child? No, I honestly don't think so. I wouldn't mind a kid right now though. I know what I always said about bringing a child in to the world in these kinds of situations but...yeah, you say a lot until you're faced with certain things. Is it school? I've debated going back for sometime and had finally come to grips that I do want to begin next year. Those ideas and their solidarity were shattered once i received a bill from my past scholastic attempts. Do I really want to be in that much MORE debt? That's not a good way to look at it, but shit, that's how I see it. I need to find out what it is missing though. Nothing is wrong, but something just doesn't seem right. Not sure if its my work situation, relationship shit, school, debts, bills, or my rhyming. God knows I'm WAY over due to record more material. I don't mean one song to listen to for a year until i record the next one either. I mean actually getting shit DONE. Can't say I haven't fathomed giving up, but I can't. I know I'm good and I know I need to be heard. When I do make it, i'll have a funny story to tell through all of this stress, pain and suffering. Like "I remember when finding a studio was the biggest hindrance." Until that time that's what I'm faced with. That, and unemployment, as well as making sure my girlfriend is happy everyday. Making everyday spent with her the best of her life. She's truly lucky to have the more mature Ryan from the asshole I was in relationships past. I can't show her that, but I'm gonna try my best to have it seen through my actions. I'm always going to put her before any/everything. Normally my blogs have a theme or topic I discuss. This is more so...not venting but, cognitive diarrhea lol. I've many huge tasks to undertake, and I am ready and willing to accept and surmount them all, if I can just be put in the area to attack them. All of this on the upcoming eve for my 26th (golden) birthday on the 26th of May. Maybe this is all just life settling in, even more so than in the past.

Communication

How hard is it to emote? Modulate how you feel and let someone who cares about you know? They've given you the green light to say whatever is on your mind, yet you can't? Or don't. I refuse its that hard to talk about your feelings. Especially when it can solve a very serious issue. Blogging is a way to release emotion and say how you feel, so how can someone not email/speak a blog to someone they supposedly care for. Especially when they see how bad it makes that person feel. I for one hate being left in the dark and wondering. I'd never do this to someone else. The last...ABSOLUTE LAST thing I would want to do is hurt, or continue to hurt someone who means a lot to me. Not being articulate is fine, I'd accept any slang or if written, any sentence fragments or misspellings. I just hate being in the dark. Its cold. Lonely. For the same loneliness I could be literally alone. I've just come from this, I don't want to go back. If you have something to say to someone....save their heart and say it. If you even truly care for their heart.

Untitled

It feels like love again, confusing and frustration
You say you'll make it different so you grow more patient/
It feels like all of the infatuation is gone
Every morning and every day there seems to be something wrong/
It feels like the past coming around again
Except this time im alone and have no friends/
It feels like im an annoyance or a problem
Rather than love and affection I feel like a bother/
It feels like I may be playing 808s real soon
Though the circumstances are different this feels to be true/
It feels weird having a relationship with no communication
Like one of us is deaf on purpose in every situation/
It feels like a lonely life is ahead of me
I promised I wouldn't try anymore after she/
But I did, twice over and I get the same feeling
Burning and pain from several scars that aren't healing/

Contradiction

Rappers do it. People in general, its a fucking pain. Never fathomed saying something and doing the opposite. How can you have set feelings about something permanently, but have a possibility of not wanting it as an idea, thought, or option. Like wanting a real tattoo, but not wanting to have something tattooed on your skin. It doesn't make sense to me. You can't feel a strong certain way about something knowing for a fact you'll hate it later. Especially when human emotions are involved. Better to just let go now then threaten someones feelings. Never been one to respond well to threats. I don't threat, I act. What's to gain from threatening? Just be truthful. Save someone from being hurt in the long run. Sucks when people act like they don't know its a major concern when you've brought it to them as such. Also Fucked up when someone says they'll work on said behavior but never do. Its not funny, nor a joke, nor is it a game.

Condescension

It falls into the same area of lying to me. Which I absolutely fuckin hate. Don't disrespect my intelligence. I hate when people are nonchalant or condescending about important matters. Then weak attempts to appease me only piss me off further. I mean to whereas I  shake uncontrollably. It bothers me THAT fucking much. That's like spitting in my fucking face! Be real, speak your fucking mind. In most cases both parties are grown. They should be able to speak to each other as such. Not playing high school games. This is about as irritating as much as when people don't listen to me. Communication is 90% of a debate or anything where a problem occurs. Both sides share their views and eventually you will arrive to a resolution. Condescending behavior doesn't a absolve one party from the issues or problems. Its a scapegoat, one of which will only become a larger problem later on. Best to talk it out and get to the root of the issue.

Repeat

I really dislike repeating myself. A pet peeve of mine also is when im in the middle of explaining something and someone says "hold on". Which is yet another reason I prefer text to talkin on the phone. If im in the middle of a story, I don't want to pause or stop. I also hate being ignored or feeling that way. Its so damn irritating, which is why I hate repeating myself to people. If I take the time to explain something to you, and not even two weeks later you ask again, you're SOL. It sucks because my family does this sometimes. I love em so I deal with it, but my tolerance isn't the same for outsiders. I think its just repetition in general. Whenever I hear stories I heard before I often cut the person off with "oh yeah, I remember you telling me that" but it doesn't work because they often continue. I guess I can't expect everyone to have a memory like mine. I know that if I perform or tour however I won't mind the repetition. I know that these are new people nightly whom haven't heard the material before. With family and friends though I guess its something ill have to get used to. As irri-fucking-tating as it is.

Insignificant

Unless I'm rapping, I never feel like I'm that big of a deal. Maybe that's why I never have/throw parties and things like that. My self esteem sorta be shit sometimes. I put up a good front, but I be hurting when I have parties or events that no one can make it to, but when they throw something I'm always there. Don't feel like im important enough to have that much attention centered around me. Its upsetting, but there isn't much if anything I can do about it. Had a going away party, and granted the main important people made it, a lot of others I cared about didn't make it. So its like....why try? I'm supposed to be having another soon when I go back to Indiana to get my car. I kinda just wanna bow out and leave. I don't think my heart can handle the embarrassment and hurt. My girlfriend asked me what I wanted to do for my 26th birthday, which happens to be my golden birthday since I was born may 26th, and I got nothing. I'm really not that big of a deal so I guess it isn't important. I'd go home but, again, for what? This also falls I to the category of me hating that no one listens to me. I make a comment or statement and its as if I don't exist. I can't stand that. I feel like I'm always wasting my time when I offer a suggestion. But When it comes to something that people know I'm good for they flock to me. Man fuck you and your computers, cables, wires, video games etc. From now on I don't know shit! So tired of being used. And im also tired of being used by app who I've helped convalesce. You were around day in and out of your sickness, soon as you're better...poof. not one person in particular, but two I know for sure. Its my fault for being kind to every fucking body.

My Thoughts

My brain is the strongest device in my body, and often it works against me. Things may seem one way but in reality are completely different. I can't see it though. I cant take anything for what it truly is. There always HAS to be some underlying circumstance. My brain often sabotages many things in my life. Because I see something for what it is, but I always have the tendency to over analyze for the worst. I said in an old blog on myspace, that when im sad....the worst place in the world I can be stuck is alone with my thoughts. They ALWAYS eat me alive. No truer words have ever been spoken. Its like I never want to under think, because often that's when I am taken advantage of. There's no middle ground. All I can do is over think. Im greatful when the thoughts are correct, but more often im embarassed and disappointed when I've over thought something. I don't know why or how I let my thoughts take over but they do. Its very painful. They cause this paranoia I cannot contain. Its a frustrating deal. I hide a lot more than I let people know. Particularly because I've never been someone who dies for attention, or wants the world's pity for their problems. I just wish I could contoll it, before I fuck up more good things in my future. My problems are mine, and as tough as they are I MUST find a way to conquer them.

Intolerance

I've a low tolerance for bullshit and bullshitters. One chance with me. You fuck up that's it. If I honestly care about you or give a fuck, ill work with it, or work it out. If not, its nothing to next. This amazes some people with how short and impatient I am. I don't like my time wasted. Period. If I'm on the phone with someone, customer service anything, and your responses are leading in the direction that you can't help or solve my problem, I hang up. What's the purpose of me wasting time listening to what I already know? A couple bullshit "sorry's" and an I can't help you? Fuck that. This is me. This is how I am. Impatient? Fucking right I am. The very definition of the word. Also I'm not one to tolerate garbage. Keep your shit as yours, don't bring it by me. Same goes for people whom I haven't heard from in a long time, but now out of the blue you need a favor or have a question. Fuck that shit. Not sure what got to me at such a young age to whereas I am how I am, but this is one of my flaws that I don't mind whatsoever. When you're cut off THAT'S IT! Once a bullshitter, always.

Judgement

Because of judgment I OFTEN feel as if I haven't a soul in the world to talk to. If not for the person or situation I'm having an issue with, then of myself for allowing it. Personally, I hate "I told you so'ers", or those who are quick to arrive at a conclusion for my issues without hearing me out first. And to avoid it, I often hold off. Friends, family and otherwise. Sad shit, I have many people I can talk to or confide in, but I don't want them looking negatively at any situation I deal with. I don't know. I suppose this falls into my same blog a out feeling stuck (stuck blog). Having some/anyone to talk to is a rare thing for me. My ex chastised me frequently for discussing any issues with anyone. Not just for things about us. I look back and I was doing the most. So I often think, am I doing too much (privacy blog)? Yet another reason I'm in this box so to speak. My moods and opinions are ever changing and I don't want someone close to me to have a definite or set opinion on anything I tell them. So who else better to have discussions with but yourself? It's funny how with some of my blogs I try to come to a solution or resolution, not here. Really don't know where to go with it, but myself. I don't want to be irritated by false judgment of others, nor do I want their opinions swayed. Come to think of it, why the fuck does almost everyone I know have such an easily swayed opinion? I just realized it and don't like that shit. And now I truly haven't a soul in the world to talk to. Just recently I found out people whom I thought I could confide in have changed. I honestly know I wouldn't want their opinion. Its just me left to figure out.....everything.

Done.

Had my final encounter with that bitch ass nigga, God showed me the right way, and I'm thankful for it. Woofin, barkin, and as TI put it "tongue wrasslin" doesn't phase me. I'm a new man. A smarter man. It takes violence to move a leader. I'm to smart to even waste energy on bullshit. That shit is shit and was flushed years ago. Been down that road and ain't shit there at the end. Already Home? I've been transcendent for 2 years. As I asked when he approached me "you still on that bullshit?", unto wit he replied.."yeah i hate you nigga!" If you hate me so much...why stand and talk shit...GET CLOSE and talk shit. Punch me. Real niggas don't speak. Thats why I didnt budge. I didn't need my fam to budge either. I wanted them to hold back cuz i wanted to see what this dude was REALLY about, but I already knew...nothing. Aint NO nigga finna hoe me. Talk all shit you want. Lay hands, its a different situation. Over done and gone. No worries or complaints. A final test of sorts which I passed with no issue. I see 10 steps ahead in any situation or scheme. It shall not pass or come to fruition. Faith and intelligence held me down and I am grateful for both. God's shown me the light when the Devil caught a hold of my first mind.....which I ALWAYS follow. Nah, I'm good and cool on bullshit. Im a grown man, with a new family soon to take care of, I've no time or strength for childish behavior. My sanity has me in that area with death as the only option. Yet another reason I try to remain cool. Killing this cat would be the only way to shut him the fuck up. I have control over my carnal instincts however. I rest now. No more will/shall ever be spoken if this night. Plus, pretty good for someone who isn't famous yet. When I DO make it...niggas gonna HATE tryina rile me up so I can hit em and catch a charge lmao