Judgement

Because of judgment I OFTEN feel as if I haven't a soul in the world to talk to. If not for the person or situation I'm having an issue with, then of myself for allowing it. Personally, I hate "I told you so'ers", or those who are quick to arrive at a conclusion for my issues without hearing me out first. And to avoid it, I often hold off. Friends, family and otherwise. Sad shit, I have many people I can talk to or confide in, but I don't want them looking negatively at any situation I deal with. I don't know. I suppose this falls into my same blog a out feeling stuck (stuck blog). Having some/anyone to talk to is a rare thing for me. My ex chastised me frequently for discussing any issues with anyone. Not just for things about us. I look back and I was doing the most. So I often think, am I doing too much (privacy blog)? Yet another reason I'm in this box so to speak. My moods and opinions are ever changing and I don't want someone close to me to have a definite or set opinion on anything I tell them. So who else better to have discussions with but yourself? It's funny how with some of my blogs I try to come to a solution or resolution, not here. Really don't know where to go with it, but myself. I don't want to be irritated by false judgment of others, nor do I want their opinions swayed. Come to think of it, why the fuck does almost everyone I know have such an easily swayed opinion? I just realized it and don't like that shit. And now I truly haven't a soul in the world to talk to. Just recently I found out people whom I thought I could confide in have changed. I honestly know I wouldn't want their opinion. Its just me left to figure out.....everything.

Done.

Had my final encounter with that bitch ass nigga, God showed me the right way, and I'm thankful for it. Woofin, barkin, and as TI put it "tongue wrasslin" doesn't phase me. I'm a new man. A smarter man. It takes violence to move a leader. I'm to smart to even waste energy on bullshit. That shit is shit and was flushed years ago. Been down that road and ain't shit there at the end. Already Home? I've been transcendent for 2 years. As I asked when he approached me "you still on that bullshit?", unto wit he replied.."yeah i hate you nigga!" If you hate me so much...why stand and talk shit...GET CLOSE and talk shit. Punch me. Real niggas don't speak. Thats why I didnt budge. I didn't need my fam to budge either. I wanted them to hold back cuz i wanted to see what this dude was REALLY about, but I already knew...nothing. Aint NO nigga finna hoe me. Talk all shit you want. Lay hands, its a different situation. Over done and gone. No worries or complaints. A final test of sorts which I passed with no issue. I see 10 steps ahead in any situation or scheme. It shall not pass or come to fruition. Faith and intelligence held me down and I am grateful for both. God's shown me the light when the Devil caught a hold of my first mind.....which I ALWAYS follow. Nah, I'm good and cool on bullshit. Im a grown man, with a new family soon to take care of, I've no time or strength for childish behavior. My sanity has me in that area with death as the only option. Yet another reason I try to remain cool. Killing this cat would be the only way to shut him the fuck up. I have control over my carnal instincts however. I rest now. No more will/shall ever be spoken if this night. Plus, pretty good for someone who isn't famous yet. When I DO make it...niggas gonna HATE tryina rile me up so I can hit em and catch a charge lmao

Spaz

I gotta work on not spazzing out every time something amazes me. Its like a default on me. I'm so used to japping out and I haven't had much experience in being calm. Its just a natural reaction. I can't help it. Even trying to take breaths and taking time to calm down doesn't help. It only makes me angrier.Can't be totally mad at things in life when its partly your fault. The assume addage comes into play here. Also does common sense. Guaranteed had I known the full terms none of this would have been agreed upon. Double standard, im not one for it. Its unfair as shit. Im sure somewhere someone's happy about my plight. None of the previous plans/ideas are coming in to fruition. I already wasn't comfortable with it before. Definitely not now. Makes me wonder if all the terms were thought to be same. I gotta control my anger, but its tough. I don't wanna mess up good things in the future, by being stubborn with my past. Its like I don't know how to approach things the right way. I react entirely off anger. I suck at faking emotions also. You can 20 times out of 5 tell when im pissed about something. Its a growing process. One I should have started a long time ago. No use in bitching about it now however. Gotta get a start somewhere....

Privacy

I see now how she felt. Exposed and embarrassed. Feels as if you're being broken apart when its breached. Privacy is supposed to be private. I see and understand however. Whole lot of bugs to be worked out before normalcy is here. I knew it wasn't gonna be 100% forever. That's why I'm taking everything step by step. What happens in a private setting should remain such. We're all adults here. No need for childish antics or games. Those comments were HIGHLY unnecessary for the public. There's no taking it back and a "sorry" won't cover it. Privacy should be such. I completely get how she used to feel when I went to every outside source and gum/finger flapped about shit between us. Meh, another reason I'm not so upset is, I know almost everything I've done in my life is on its way back. Fuck it. Come all at once or one at a time. I'm much more mature and prepared. Privacy lines need to be discussed however to prevent further problems and/or issues. Truth is, some people don't think before they act. I've been down that road, and I'm not going back.

Stuck

I hate the feeling. Being somewhere, or in a situation that you don't want to be, with no exit. Its one of the most frustrating things in the world. You just wanna yell or flip out, but that doesn't solve shit. So you're stuck. What sucks more is I've no patience so it REALLY sucks. Sometimes it's monetary, other times emotionally, but I know everyone has felt this way before. Its physically sickening, be it headaches or otherwise, it's painful. You have to just sit and take it. It being whatever situation has arisen. This is moreso a rant than a blog posting. Im currently in the situation of not being in a comfotable living area. Once we're in the house in april it will all be for the better. Currently the weather, and people's overall laziness are what's preventing us right now. With no way around it, we're stuck. Unless my music or the lottery kicks in soon....then we'll be right here...."/

Alien

What the fuck is it with me? If not me, what the fuck is it with people? When I've had woes in relationships or things that seem clear cut, common sense to me, are often greek to the significant other. Some shits just cut and dry, well in my eyes its cut and dry. I ALWAYS have a problem with the other halves about things that seem crystal clear to me. Never to any rebuttal of good reasoning, or any reasoning at all. I feel as if I'm an alien. Im the only one who understands. I don't like the feeling. It's never boded well. EVER. In the past I tried rationalizing and chalking it up to being raised in different areas. What's commonplace to me could be unfathomable to someone else. However, this theory is quickly proved asinine when over used. I just don't get it. Something clear and conscise to me isn't clear all around the board. It's one of the most aggrivating things ever. My heart physically hurts right now. I can't explain or understand something so simple.

"Friendship"

I know me. I know that I can't handle it. Even though we talked, the shit still bothers me. I'm not going anywhere, so there's no issue there. However this freindship has got to go. I can't deal with it. I know how I get. I don't want this to be an issue later, but I  also know how I'll end up reacting. I don't like it, it MUST end. I could understand if both parties were on the same page, but one isn't. It isn't your family anymore, mind your life and go forward. Because I swear, promise and guarantee, you don't wanna go backward while I'm around. This relationship shit is hard. Sad as it is this is probably the first REAL one I've been in. The sacrifices I make and what not are of a higher magnitude than I've ever had before. I love her, so I'm going to react for her. Which is difficult because I'm so used to reacting for myself. Inital response for anything I don't give a fuck about is ASSHOLE. I can't be fake though, and I won't pretend anything for anyone. I won't let my mind take over and stir, but I won't ignore my thoughts either. First minds always often correct. I don't want   it around at fucking all

Fake Christians & Church †

I've always hated fake Christians. People who ask you to praise the Lord and are holy as fuck one minute, then the next, tell you you're the devil and going to hell when you piss them off. Why play with God like that? You can quote several scriptures off the top of your head...but do you really know/feel what they mean? That's also like people who say "oh I don't smoke weed, drink, curse, or have sex on Sunday's......that's the Lord's day." You think God likes you playing with him? Be how you are everyday, all day, that's what he wants. The REAL! I've had people tell me I'm goin to hell because I don't go to church, when in all actuality God was pissed with the church when he saw it'd become something different from his vision (check your bibles again people). Same reason I hate goin to church because of hypocrites and shit. Taking collection 9 times throughout the service, empty ass messages, more singing than praise. I'm cool on that. Don't shoot me down about being sacrilegious. I KNOW Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. So don't say my contempt for fake Christians comes from not having faith of my own. Or not living my life in a way which would upset God. Now I won't release the name of the person who left me the above email, and text, but this is someone whom I THOUGHT was a true person of God. I had no ideas or suspicions to think any other way. That shit came from left field after I said "either we can be friends or nothing". I was nothing but genuine and honest with this woman too. From the beginning, informing her that I am not interested in having or beginning a relationship. Yet and still she took more and more steps ahead without checking in with me first. Now that we no longer talk, attacks against my manhood are posted all over the internet, which i don't care about. Talk about me loving porn, but you enjoyed many "ungodly" sexual acts with me. Threatening me with God, that's not what he wants. You of all people should understand and know that that isn't how he wants his word spread...through fear. You all know how I feel about subliminal messages. I didn't send the blog right away, because i wanted time to pass. I didn't wanna go in on this subject until the anger had subsided. I don't apologize for anything I have did/done and I don't look back on my life. People get one chance with me. You fuck that up, that's on you. I even gave this person an opportunity of friendship. An opportunity to let this go and move on from here. No. Attacks were made against me, my religious beliefs questions and unfair assumptions were made. This person further helped me see into and understand "deeply" religious people or so called Christians and their true methods. I'm done speaking on this subject. Seriously.

formspring.me

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/EVILTH1RT3EN

Comedy

^^now THAT'S SWAG!!^^

I don't try to be funny. Not nearly! I just genuinely am. Always been told I should've been a comedian. Used to think it was bullshit from chicks to get in my pants, but when I started laughin at my own shit I knew I was on to something lol I hurt feelings sometimes yes, don't give a fuck though personally, but you people know that already " ). I honestly can't pass up a good moment. If someone says/does some stupid shit I'm gonna go in on em. Partly has to be my avid love for cartoons. As well as my uncles (The Three Stooges). Pretty much all that my dvr is chocked full with. Comedic shows or cartoons. I LOVE IT! There was only one time in my life where I was set up beautifully and I didn't go for it. While I worked concerts @ the casino in 2008, Raz B and some dude walked up to me and asked me where the bathroom was. I told him, but also wanted to say....with the straightest face "hey man........I'm sorry about your asshole". The only thing that stopped me, I had my badge on with my name on it, and he seemed like the type to inform one of my superiors lol I can't explain why, I mean who doesn't like to laugh? My friend Ashleigh is a walking fuckin comic box. She doesn't try either! Upon me telling her I had a girlfriend she said...and I quote "well shit on me sideways and hide the toilet paper" lmmfao! I cry when I laugh too hard. My ribs sometimes hurt, chest full of pain...but I enjoy it " ). The same way I enjoy bringing comedy to people. I supposed that's where my randomess comes from? Because if you don't know me, ask anyone, I say/do off the wall shit. Sometimes it's just what I feel, or what feels like the right thing to do at the time. If people star @ me in public...why not give them a show? lol While in MD eating a restaurant, these 2 older ladies kept eyeballin me and my girlfriend...so...I gave her the nastiest porno kiss ever (complete with tongue) and they were disgusted but WE were amused! lol There's another side to the coin however, with people who aren't funny. People who try too hard to be funny and end up annoying (that one atlanta based comedian on twitter for example). Also people who instead of allow their feelings or emotions to be read, they joke or send subliminal messages, or make inferances. When its clearly known "a lot of truth is said in jest". That's the only kind of comedy I don't tolerate.

Compassion

I'm a simple guy, not in mind, but spirit. Yeah I'm an asshole, but for those I do care for I care for them greatly. I wanna say its my personality, but people who don't know me AT ALL have deep feelings for me and I often wonder.....what is it about me that causes that? People, animals, babies, something in me attracts all to me. You know how many say "I got people who I don't know hating me"? Well I have that, but I also have people I don't know who Love me. I'm not knocking, I'm just curious as to what about me causes it. I plan on moving to MD soon, and I know my family and friends will miss me....but animals? Just left my mom's friends house, and the dogs (stormy and candi) hopped on me like I was a long lost friend. I hadn't seen them since early December. Even their pet parrot Pat was excited to see me and waved his wings at me when I waved at him. My friend tivi, her dog Sampson, first time meeting me, fell in love with me. She said he wasn't real good with testosterone, but S Dot is my little G! When I went to MD, my girlfriends baby cousin kayla, 8 mos, fell in love with me after first meeting. She was crying hysterically, no one, not even the parents, could quiet her. I picked her up and she was silent. This isn't the first time this has happened with babies either. What is it about me? This is however the proverbial gift/curse scenario, because in my past I've accidentally lead people on by not doing anything! Granted I'm sure you've read my affection blog [see it here], but sometimes I HONESTLY do nothing and people get feelings. Before kissing, before sex, before even meeting me! What is it in me that attracts people to me period. I used to talk about how bad of a person I am, still feel this way at times, but it boggles my mind how much I am accepted by ALL. It sometimes borders on stalkerish behavior and scares me too. Especially since I has aspirations to being famous and I gotta handle situations like this BEFORE I have security and body guards lol I don't know, i just wanna know what is it about me that so great?

Family

That like a lifeitme bond. Nothing should ever come before it. Solidarity, a fellowship stronger than anything. Too many times however I've run across just the opposite. Families split up or down the middle over lies and jealousy and other bullshit. Family is supposed to be FOREVER, you know? Who could you love or trust more than your blood? Why is it that there are snakes in families trying to get over on their own family? What's with the poison injected into kids heads when they are born to "stay away from that aunt, uncle, cousin, etc."? I speak not from the outside, but from within. I admit, both sides of my family (maternal, paternal) are jacked up. Because some people are selfish, greedy, or can't let go of the past. Families are supposed to be strong willed, bound together to do anything for each other. I haven't seen much of that anywhere, except my immediate family. Spoiled kids often bore more drama into families than necessary. When elders die, the glue of the damily so to speak, the family weakens and more greed is shown. Who gets what land, posessions, money, its fucking disgusting and terrible. Members of families not willing to sacrifice time to help another family member for a short period of time. Its pathetic. There are millions of people in the world, who would do for a complete stranger on the street than someone with their own last name and that's frightening. Luckily, and sadly, my immediate family can block out all of the negativity and remain a unit. I say sadly because it is truly disheartening when you have to block your your family to protect and preserve your immediate family. We haven't always been secluded, we've tried to mend and correction relationships and issues with the extended family, but we were often drawn into "sides". Like a retarded ass gang or some dumb shit. With it being so far gone, we just decided to remain together and not let any of it concern us, even though deeply it hurts everday.

Her

So many different things about her. Feelings I get, feelings I don't get. I smile when she smiles at me and when she kisses me. I don't feel any bullshit when she says she misses me. It gives me chills, chills I haven't had in a long time. I love it, this great feeling of mine. Not my intention to rhyme, but its something that she does to me. I don't feel sappy when she asks if she's buggin me. Sure she's said some things that I have heard in the past and recently, but I feel her sincerity and I believe her ass " ). Normally when other bitches flirt I get the urge to go for it, I always have. When im with her I just look at them an laugh. Shrug it off and keep moving cuz I love how she makes me feel. Im feeling like I finally have something real. Its been a long time coming, I been tired of random fucking, all these different girls now I've finally found a WOMAN. It's crazy because daily.....I find myself doing more and more things for her on my own, that I had to be told and/or reminded of in the past. Without thought I sacrifice what I like/love to please her. Her happiness means the world to me. Like it sounds sappy & cliche, but her happy makes ME happy. The feeling she brings me to me with everything she does is indescribable. Its early, but I know that I DO love her." )


And contrary to my thoughts from a past blog...She IS the red pill, and imma OD on the perscription " ) 

Bad Kids

I love kids #nopleasurep. Really, I do love em, but I HATE bad ass kids. Especially when they don't belong to anyone I know so I can smack the fuck out of them! This little boy out here in MD, gotta be like 5 or 6, and I wanted to steal 5 from him more than 10 times. Smart ass mouth, hard headed & just all out bad. Make me wanna kick the shit out of him, or Bernie Mac him (hit em in the throat or the stomach). I've noticed the actions of the parent tho. Always pushin em away and shruggin em off. SHEEEIT! My kids will know of my craziness early, so they're gonna be well behaved. I wasn't a bad kid so I know Imma take care of shit. And don't get me started on kids who fall out in stores...sheeit. I'd ask a parent, you want me to fuck em up for you? I don't get embarassed so I'm not worried about it in that aspect. Just that my kid showing out flippin on the floor in public does reflect me...and I will fuck em up for it. My ass used to slap myself when I didn't get my way or get shit. One day I did in the mall, Ma Dukes ROCKED my ass...I never smacked myself again lol. Some people say that violence isn't the way to discipline kids. I agree, not ALL the time. Sometimes kids are so far gone that you gotta lay in that ass. In closing however, women have often seen my relationship with kids and known/said that I'm going to be a great father...and I KNOW that I am. " ) My father was the dopest to me and gave me the formula, granted the ingredients and recipe will change with age, but it will only get better.

Royal Jerome Hutson will be a little gentleman.

"I'm Sorry..."

If there's one phrase I hate more the most in the English language or any language of the world its "im sorry". What the fuck? No you aren't, normally this is told to you when as a nicer method of saying No. It also irritates me when im upset I tried to obtain or achieve something and a friend or anyone says 'im sorry'. I go into a blind fucking rage. It makes me feel like you're spitting on my shitty situation with your fake offer of solace. Did you fucking do it? Then why the fuck are you apologizing? Shut up with that asinine bullshit! I mean it really pisses me the fuck off. What can only send me into a rage even further is the fact that someone will apologize for something, then do it again, only to give you another fucking apology. Were you thinking about it when you did the shit? No. So you aren't fucking sorry. Countless times I tell people about smoking in my car, what do I hear? "Im sorry". No you aren't because you do it a fucking gain and again. My clothes smell like smoke because my father smokes in my room on the computer. I catch him and what do I hear? That bullshit. But I still find big ass ashes on the keys and computer table, and when I go out of town my clothes smell like a fucking smoke booth because of it. Swear I've told him COUNTLESS TIMES that smoking around a computer isn't good for it. When it breaks...all im gonna say is "im sorry" and keep fucking moving. The only instance where it doesn't bother me is death. Maybe people go genuinely mean it at that time. Any other instance though it makes me crazier. Of course that could all be bullshit too. Why the fuck would someone be sorry about the death of your great aunt agnes that you never even fucking met? Its people trying to polite I know, but I fucking HATE "I'm sorry's".

Merry Christmas Everyone

and have a  Happy New Year.

Yeah thats my fav Holiday movie...EPIC! and YES i watched all 24 hours of it

Favorite Christmas Song...

Boke

I know this goes along with my humility, and that there's peace and prosperity on the horizon, but man, sometimes, a lot of the time, its tough. Things are really rough right now. I haven't seen the likes of times like this since I was younger and my family was barely scratching. It wasn't super ugly, but it was rough back then. Almost 22 some odd years later its reverting. I forgot how to handle it. I mean fuck, I was a kid. Kids don't know the difference, the just live. I was born into the powdered milk & government cheese era, to rise to grocery shopping every, getting a new toy, and red lobster every week. I write this as I prepare to head to the pawn shop, not to create the perfect Christmas, but to keep shit from falling apart you know? Haven't gotten desperate enough to pawn the things I need, luckily everything I'm taking in is just taking up space. I hope that I don't need to go back though. Seriously don't have anything left to take in after I take the things I found. Talking with a friend of mine this morning, I enlightened her that this is my first broke Christmas since 2004, and that didn't even count because I was semi in school. This shit blucks so fucking hard....(blows and sucks)

 

Nostalgia

Love it. I'm the most nostalgic person I know. I feel like it isn't Christmas until I have seen my 4 favorite things. A Christmas story (the whole 24hr special), hard rock, coco, & joe, the Flintstones Christmas commercial and last but not least the Hershey Kisses bells to "we wish you a merry Christmas". Just watching or typing about that one sends chills up my spine. I love it. Anytime I'm in a bad mood or depressed I can ALWAYS count on nostalgia to save me. It takes me back to a simpler time in my life. I had a great childhood. Although I never got my damn turtle van lol. But nostalgia is my own personal portal to all things good. Especially with these difficult times in the world and my life, it wouldn't hurt if we all kicked back and indulged. If you haven't ever given it a try i suggest you do. Very simple method to happiness. Think of your favorite show, hell even carton for your favorite toy when you were a child, watch it, and TELL ME you don't feel better. Some people so this only with music. There's a deep feeling there, but nothing deeper than actually watching something you remember seeing for the first time. Something that always stuck with you, or something you may have not known that you forgot! My favorite site to use is Retro Junk

Resume? / Jobs¿

Meh. I'm not getting anywhere with mine. It's like putting a wet napkin over a bullet wound. Major factors attributing to this are my parents over protective asses. 25 and I've have 3...3 jobs. Only 2 I count because one was trying to set me up to be robbed and I wasn't going. I'll acknowledge that these jobs, while sparse, were obtained of my own accord and I held down for several years. Always the most truth worthy hard working employee. Don't get me started on the school section. I hate that many job leads I find out about are bullshit now anyways. So called "sure things" almost always bottom out. As I always say, if it looks good and sounds good, its a bunch of fucking bullshit. References, plenty of those, really accredited people. Not just pookie, p-nut, june bug & 'nem, but people with degrees and jobs within their field. So that isn't an issue. I don't know. Every time I try to retype my resume mitigating circumstances always dishearten me. Can't do something you don't have your full potential in. That's why I always procrastinate it. Fuck is the use of taking a job your paragraph of a fucking work history?

Jet Setting

Often for the wrong purpose, and up until this past summer, never without regret. I'm almost always out and about! Before I was imprisoned at the casino I was hardly ever in Chicago, let alone Illinois. STL, Cali, ATL, Washington, Texas, Florida, I was never still. Its so easy for me to get up and go because that's just my personality. Always up for excitement and change of scenery. This was hindered by having to request days off 2 weeks ahead of time, and often getting your requests denied for favoritism purposes. It would have been easier to travel with the money, but I seem to only have the time when I don't have the money. Sometimes it isn't for the best however, and I want to return home immediately. As I stated, this is a new feeling, something that occurred upon a California visit. Even worse was the fact that I did not have the $ to return when I wanted. It all ended up working out, but the fact that I'd take myself out of my element and jump into an area with possibilities of being stuck says a lot. I'm a risk taker. Albeit nothing dumb, I like to take risks. What's life without? I travel so much because I have the chances and I take them! People ask "how do you go here there and so forth effortlessly?" the answer is simple....there's No Limit! I'm not one to limit myself in anyway, and what I wanna do I'm gonna. Sorry but I'm not sorry. God made A TON of land, and when it's gone, I wanna be able to say that I got the chance to experience it. Not just look at it in pictures or on television. I type this as I prepare to jet set once again. Can't keep me held down for long. I gotta keep moooooooving...!